"Pandan Act" - That would be a name I give to one of my neighbour's behavior who have been greedy and dishonest. Which neighbour..? If anyone of you who have been to my house, you will be able to identify which selfish neighbour who placed so much of potted plants outside of her fence/yard just to occupy half of the road so that no car can park in front or near her house. Yes..that's the one. And..Why 'pandan'..?
Look..2 weeks ago, she knocked my backyard door lock without calling us..just made enough noise so that I'll go out and answer the back door. She brought 3 lil' packets of her grandbaby's snack food as all she wants was some nice pandan leaves for cooking. Seeing that she keep chucking that lil' packets to me though I don't want to accept them, I guess she must be desperate to have some pandan leaves, so I took my scissors and cut some for her. I took from bottom snipping up, but she kept asking for younger ones. Then I told her, pandan leaves must be dark green the better, not young leaves..and that's not the way u cut n treat your plant either. Later upper botak, becomes no leaves and the rest of the leaves underneath left to grow old and die. Let the shoots grow and she can ask for more next time she need some. Leaves need to take time to grow. I gave her a big bunch she asked..and I also gave her a whole extra tree I have, so that she can grow them and have endless pandan leaves to use..I have then personally lifted the whole ceramic pot with the plant and delivered to her door as she walk back to her house..I thought that was generous enough.. But to my dismay..yesterday, she came and snip away without calling or asking..then hurried away when she heard some noise from my house..cos my dog heard it and went and look through the back door and I followed. Who knows when else she have been stealing and snipping as she like when I'm not at home. So today, I gave her back those lil' packets of toddler snack I accepted from her 2 weeks ago because I was just being polite and she would feel better if I just take it..even though I don't eat those stuff, I'd just give them to someone else. I returned them cos I know only her grandchildren will eat..I know no one else who would. Together in that packet, I wrote her a note..because I really don't like these selfish and greedy act..and how she have ignored my advise, and disrespectfully came stealing n snipped off the young leaves by the shoots..the tree is becoming ugly and grow worse if I don't stop the thief's act now.
Plants have feelings, love n self esteem too..and need love and attention. I know it all these years when I've seen how my plants flowers with my care and attention. They grow ugly and die without proper love n care. This is also a kind of 'pantang' in our Malaysian language. Plants can be 'siew hei' too..we call it 'upset' or maybe 'depressed'. Believe it or not, nature also knows their surroundings..they choose to flourish for those who care. Everyone and every family may have funny or weird things of their own,. It may range from parking habits, cats or dog poo issues, buang sampah habits, tanam pokok habits with daun kering issue, etc to disturbing noisy vehicle, etc.. In that case, I guess I myself also can't run away from being cursed when I come home in the middle of the night in my noisy farting bug. We never know what your neighbours think about us..So, I always try my best to behave..So, for anyone out there..please do not do any of these 'Pandan Act'..It's not nice..! Please love your neighbour, love your surroundings, love your nature, love yourself..okay..^^
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Pretty Little Cupcake
Life is like a cupcake..everything seems so nice with empty promises, exciting new plans..abundance of wealth n blings, pretty embellishments, and so forth..So much of it is just uncertainties, fake, and poison to the minds..but the initial true being of oneself in life is most cherishable..any extra in truthfulness, in pleasant good character is the extra bonus that is hard to find..abundance, health n wealth will follow.. In any relationships, stages and levels in life, everyone loves the fresh new feeling..when everything seems so promising and exciting..but when the passion and enthusiasm cools down, some may like the silence and solitude in a form of peace..the rest are just like an aged cupcake..going bad..left to rot..time for a new change again.. So.."Life is like a cupcake"..eat it while it's fresh..cherish it..appreciate it..enjoy it..cos' you'll never know..how soon or later it will go sour..till when your physical n mental health can sustain..so, what are you waiting for..? "whallup la cepat..!" Cherish and appreciate what you have..Hopefully the beautiful memories are forever.. ~ *a good cupcake is unforgettable..
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Love Can't Lie..
Love can't lie..
At least, for me..I really don't think so..
For anyone who comes across this page and reading this..please..you should just step yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine..
You know that "I love you" doesn't mean anything when it's so hard to say it out from your lips..that makes your other half have to ask the questions every now and then,"do you love me..?"..and "how much..?"..that seems n sounds more stupid than ever..
You know that "I always cherish you", "I treasure our moments together", "you are someone special in my life", "I'm proud to have you as my girlfriend/boyfriend in my life"..those are all lies when there's absolutely no picture of you together being posted on the wall..no sweet names..no Darling..no Honey..no Sweetheart that sounds the same as it feels..no nothing ever shown in public as a clear official action, in quite a direct expression telling the world that "we are together"..or "he/she is mine".
Love can never lie..
When you say that,"we don't need to show it to the world".."love is only me and you"..all these..in time..are proven quite ironic and sarcastic kinda' lies..so, keep it to yourself.. Your face says it all..your actions clears it all..your words will never be louder than your actions..and sadly..many of you didn't realize..it's an insult to the other half..more hurting than telling the truth..that "I don't have those feelings with/for you".."I don't think I can click with you that way"..or "you're not the one I'm looking for"..and so to put a fullstop to the hurting just right there..but lies drag all the hurting on and on, and even hurting more and more. Honesty never hurt as much as lies..never..
It is very spontaneous and natural in behavior, words and actions..that when you love somebody, you'd love to go places with this person..be seen everywhere, getting excited with plans doing just about anything with this person..so naturally show that 'he/she is mine'..that kinda thing..and we are happy together..make all the effort to talk and connect in any way possible..(*owh come'on..it's a freakin'modern electronic world we're livin' in, ain't we..one click and you'll see and talk to each other face to face..)..doesn't matter if you're half way around the world from where he/she is. When you're keen, you'll make effort however..but when you're not, all you make are excuses after excuses.. and the most ironic thing is..soon after that, when there's a new relationship you've started..you've revealed and proven all your lies and excuses by your actions..by just doing all the things you've said you're not, that you won't, and so forth..and so forth..
So..with whoever whether you like it or not, you love or not..just don't lie. It makes you look just as stupid as you said you're not. Most of all, your ego doesn't work..and will never work. *lol...!^^
So..what about me..?
Looking back at my previous relationships, I have no regrets of putting them to and end, cos it's often proven that my decisions are right. The future I couldn't see or no longer see..well..I really should turn my head elsewhere isn't it..and some are indirectly giving me negative feelings and it's like toxic to my soul..I'll have to find a better way to discard...*hm...one fine day..I'll have to clear my trash can...*haihszzz...
So I said to Crystal last night when she called n talked to me over the phone.."It's not good for your soul, Crystal..if he doesn't accept and keep you hanging for months, that's already a negative indication. There's nothing to wait on..no use holding on. If he didn't feel you're not there, he didn't cherish your presence either..so, let go..no use crying.."..poor girl..
Over the years, what I always find is..honesty and straightforwardness somehow always give unpleasant feelings no matter little or so much, but in return, it always rewards you with a truthful and trustworthy relationship that holds for stronger and longer if not for life. That is one of those precious things money can never buy. But remember..do have some mercy. Never say or do things that you can never imagine taking it yourself..At least, this is one of those things I do keep reminding myself time after time..in case I'd forget.. *owh...I'm growing so old now.. *(~_~!)
It's another silent night of mourning..this time of the year..every year..for the eleventh now. Breathing so deep..only this silent can give me peace..no tears could wash away the shades of grey on my window..my silent window..
Love is always obvious...so obviously shown in anything you say and do..
in those sunny sunshine smiles and colours on your brightened up face..
in your footsteps as you dance through the rhythm that helps you get by your every day life..
in your body language..
in your eyes..
..Love..
can never lie..
At least, for me..I really don't think so..
For anyone who comes across this page and reading this..please..you should just step yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine..
You know that "I love you" doesn't mean anything when it's so hard to say it out from your lips..that makes your other half have to ask the questions every now and then,"do you love me..?"..and "how much..?"..that seems n sounds more stupid than ever..
You know that "I always cherish you", "I treasure our moments together", "you are someone special in my life", "I'm proud to have you as my girlfriend/boyfriend in my life"..those are all lies when there's absolutely no picture of you together being posted on the wall..no sweet names..no Darling..no Honey..no Sweetheart that sounds the same as it feels..no nothing ever shown in public as a clear official action, in quite a direct expression telling the world that "we are together"..or "he/she is mine".
Love can never lie..
When you say that,"we don't need to show it to the world".."love is only me and you"..all these..in time..are proven quite ironic and sarcastic kinda' lies..so, keep it to yourself.. Your face says it all..your actions clears it all..your words will never be louder than your actions..and sadly..many of you didn't realize..it's an insult to the other half..more hurting than telling the truth..that "I don't have those feelings with/for you".."I don't think I can click with you that way"..or "you're not the one I'm looking for"..and so to put a fullstop to the hurting just right there..but lies drag all the hurting on and on, and even hurting more and more. Honesty never hurt as much as lies..never..
It is very spontaneous and natural in behavior, words and actions..that when you love somebody, you'd love to go places with this person..be seen everywhere, getting excited with plans doing just about anything with this person..so naturally show that 'he/she is mine'..that kinda thing..and we are happy together..make all the effort to talk and connect in any way possible..(*owh come'on..it's a freakin'modern electronic world we're livin' in, ain't we..one click and you'll see and talk to each other face to face..)..doesn't matter if you're half way around the world from where he/she is. When you're keen, you'll make effort however..but when you're not, all you make are excuses after excuses.. and the most ironic thing is..soon after that, when there's a new relationship you've started..you've revealed and proven all your lies and excuses by your actions..by just doing all the things you've said you're not, that you won't, and so forth..and so forth..
So..with whoever whether you like it or not, you love or not..just don't lie. It makes you look just as stupid as you said you're not. Most of all, your ego doesn't work..and will never work. *lol...!^^
So..what about me..?
Looking back at my previous relationships, I have no regrets of putting them to and end, cos it's often proven that my decisions are right. The future I couldn't see or no longer see..well..I really should turn my head elsewhere isn't it..and some are indirectly giving me negative feelings and it's like toxic to my soul..I'll have to find a better way to discard...*hm...one fine day..I'll have to clear my trash can...*haihszzz...
So I said to Crystal last night when she called n talked to me over the phone.."It's not good for your soul, Crystal..if he doesn't accept and keep you hanging for months, that's already a negative indication. There's nothing to wait on..no use holding on. If he didn't feel you're not there, he didn't cherish your presence either..so, let go..no use crying.."..poor girl..
Over the years, what I always find is..honesty and straightforwardness somehow always give unpleasant feelings no matter little or so much, but in return, it always rewards you with a truthful and trustworthy relationship that holds for stronger and longer if not for life. That is one of those precious things money can never buy. But remember..do have some mercy. Never say or do things that you can never imagine taking it yourself..At least, this is one of those things I do keep reminding myself time after time..in case I'd forget.. *owh...I'm growing so old now.. *(~_~!)
It's another silent night of mourning..this time of the year..every year..for the eleventh now. Breathing so deep..only this silent can give me peace..no tears could wash away the shades of grey on my window..my silent window..
Crystals In The Eyes
Lov.. there's no need to cry
the kite disappeared too high up in the sky
cut the string..the storm is coming
let go of your hands or you'll die..
Read those faces of clouds and winds
if they come as shelter or breeze
or if they blow the dust into your eyes
or let the sun burn your skin..
Cover yourself and walk away
come fly again another day
for yours a kite will soar up high
with colours seen though the sky is grey..
~ outside my misty window pane..~
6th January, 2014
Love is always obvious...so obviously shown in anything you say and do..
in those sunny sunshine smiles and colours on your brightened up face..
in your footsteps as you dance through the rhythm that helps you get by your every day life..
in your body language..
in your eyes..
..Love..
can never lie..
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Above It All
Frances found her love..!^^
The world is happy for her..but a bit worried.. Why..?
Because there's just too few who'd believe in a relationship where the boyfriend or husband is years younger than the girlfriend or wife..and Adrian is exactly 10 years younger..way more than a feet taller..and gosh..! he's as good looking as a model with his almost perfectly built body frame, tall and lean, good looking, artistically sensitive, loving and soft spoken.
It was a mutual feeling and love at first sight on a warm August day on a get together dinner. They were sitting side by side and was too shy to talk to each other..when both their hearts skipped were beating fast..curiosity in their minds..stealing glance of each other's side view, paying attention to each other's manners on the dinner table..almost forgot the other 3 people in the house which 2 of them were sharing the same table.
Yes...their hearts skipped a beat..and that's mutual..
The very same night, Adrian messaged me..asking a lot about Frances..added her in facebook..and so, it grows from there..so quick..and in just less than 2 weeks, they're together..
One whole month went by and back then, Frances still doesn't know Adrian's age. He just wouldn't tell. It was weird how 2 person get together as lovers without one knowing the other's age.. When asked, he simply said,"Is it that important..?? Age is just a number. I love you. No matter what, my feelings for you is more important, isn't it so..?" ..and Frances smiled..burying her curiosity once again. It was till the second month, Adrian finally revealed his age..Frances was stunned. She went silent for a couple of days..but at the end, she still can't avoid Adrian's enthusiasm when he kept calling and texting her..constantly letting her know that he really want this relationship to work..and he won't give up.
"I knew all along that he is obviously younger..but I didn't know it's actually that much! 10 years...! exactly 10 years..!", she said.."At his age, he doesn't even have a stable job and financial security, but at my age, I'm good with my savings and ready to get married..! What am I supposed to do now..?"
..but still..age is just a number..and the rest could be worked out in time..Where there's love, there's will..and there'll always be a way.. always...^^
Frances was happy..telling me about how she motivates Adrian..and he got a new job..their little chat every now and then..I can see how her face was brightened up every time she was talking about her love..It started a lil' bit shaky, but things were resolved quite quickly and there doesn't seem to be any problem.
Almost a year went by..The last time I heard from her was a good news that they're getting married.
None the less, it's a true love story..doesn't matter about the age gap, the height, the look, insecurities, even Adrian's financial state..at the end, there doesn't seem to be any problem at all. Thank god they're both compromising and willing to put their ego away.. I feel sincerely happy for them..so wish them a love that'll last forever..happy that they finally have a 'happily ever after'..
This is quite rare..but it's happening..!^^
The world is happy for her..but a bit worried.. Why..?
Because there's just too few who'd believe in a relationship where the boyfriend or husband is years younger than the girlfriend or wife..and Adrian is exactly 10 years younger..way more than a feet taller..and gosh..! he's as good looking as a model with his almost perfectly built body frame, tall and lean, good looking, artistically sensitive, loving and soft spoken.
It was a mutual feeling and love at first sight on a warm August day on a get together dinner. They were sitting side by side and was too shy to talk to each other..when both their hearts skipped were beating fast..curiosity in their minds..stealing glance of each other's side view, paying attention to each other's manners on the dinner table..almost forgot the other 3 people in the house which 2 of them were sharing the same table.
Yes...their hearts skipped a beat..and that's mutual..
The very same night, Adrian messaged me..asking a lot about Frances..added her in facebook..and so, it grows from there..so quick..and in just less than 2 weeks, they're together..
One whole month went by and back then, Frances still doesn't know Adrian's age. He just wouldn't tell. It was weird how 2 person get together as lovers without one knowing the other's age.. When asked, he simply said,"Is it that important..?? Age is just a number. I love you. No matter what, my feelings for you is more important, isn't it so..?" ..and Frances smiled..burying her curiosity once again. It was till the second month, Adrian finally revealed his age..Frances was stunned. She went silent for a couple of days..but at the end, she still can't avoid Adrian's enthusiasm when he kept calling and texting her..constantly letting her know that he really want this relationship to work..and he won't give up.
"I knew all along that he is obviously younger..but I didn't know it's actually that much! 10 years...! exactly 10 years..!", she said.."At his age, he doesn't even have a stable job and financial security, but at my age, I'm good with my savings and ready to get married..! What am I supposed to do now..?"
..but still..age is just a number..and the rest could be worked out in time..Where there's love, there's will..and there'll always be a way.. always...^^
Frances was happy..telling me about how she motivates Adrian..and he got a new job..their little chat every now and then..I can see how her face was brightened up every time she was talking about her love..It started a lil' bit shaky, but things were resolved quite quickly and there doesn't seem to be any problem.
Almost a year went by..The last time I heard from her was a good news that they're getting married.
None the less, it's a true love story..doesn't matter about the age gap, the height, the look, insecurities, even Adrian's financial state..at the end, there doesn't seem to be any problem at all. Thank god they're both compromising and willing to put their ego away.. I feel sincerely happy for them..so wish them a love that'll last forever..happy that they finally have a 'happily ever after'..
This is quite rare..but it's happening..!^^
Monday, May 20, 2013
Night Is Over
Molly have changed..
It was only a year ago since I last saw her. She was then gloomy with sadness..I saw it in her eyes.. That was one of the most uncommon divorce I've ever heard. Everyone thought she was the happiest person in the world..pampered and loved..but eventually, it's not so.
She is one of those most understanding, wise and forgiving person I've ever known all my life..she was..and I wasn't worried..cos' I know that she could handle it well, but when I was talking to her just a while ago, it was just so shocking how she have changed...a lot.. Seems like even a wise person like her couldn't really handle a heartbreak..so bitter..so frustrating..that it has cause such huge change in a person. It's just so sad..how love could bring so much sadness, hatred.. and how it could change a beautiful person to someone you never thought she could become..
People change..drastically..suddenly..bitterly..and from the way they behave, we could almost see how hard they're trying to hold on..how much they're suffering inside..it must have been hell.. It just seems too easy how a person could turn their head and behave negative..be a bad person..just trying to make themselves happy..portray that confidence and be strong..be feared..but honestly, it's not. The struggle and anger inside creates more difficult and complicated tangles than anything.. Being just a human is not easy, but being a nice person is indeed very difficult. Circumstances may push a person to be completely confused and negative at the same time. Stay strong..just stay strong..
It's raining..it's so cold inside the air-conditioned premise..Forget about that ice cream straight from the freezer..forget about the stormy winter..but yet..nothing beats the coldness in a heart without love..
For the longest time..these words have been held inside..there's nothing I could find to complete them. There are so much bits and pieces..'broken'.. I guess this is what it really means in this word so often been taken so harshly as it sounds..and some pieces are lost. Maybe that's the best for me. There must be some part in a person ought to be lost and forgotten..
"Cry in the dark, my Nightingale..but when the night is over..and the light hit the roads, find your way..to anywhere that makes you happy.." ~ your Silver Willow..
It was only a year ago since I last saw her. She was then gloomy with sadness..I saw it in her eyes.. That was one of the most uncommon divorce I've ever heard. Everyone thought she was the happiest person in the world..pampered and loved..but eventually, it's not so.
She is one of those most understanding, wise and forgiving person I've ever known all my life..she was..and I wasn't worried..cos' I know that she could handle it well, but when I was talking to her just a while ago, it was just so shocking how she have changed...a lot.. Seems like even a wise person like her couldn't really handle a heartbreak..so bitter..so frustrating..that it has cause such huge change in a person. It's just so sad..how love could bring so much sadness, hatred.. and how it could change a beautiful person to someone you never thought she could become..
People change..drastically..suddenly..bitterly..and from the way they behave, we could almost see how hard they're trying to hold on..how much they're suffering inside..it must have been hell.. It just seems too easy how a person could turn their head and behave negative..be a bad person..just trying to make themselves happy..portray that confidence and be strong..be feared..but honestly, it's not. The struggle and anger inside creates more difficult and complicated tangles than anything.. Being just a human is not easy, but being a nice person is indeed very difficult. Circumstances may push a person to be completely confused and negative at the same time. Stay strong..just stay strong..
It's raining..it's so cold inside the air-conditioned premise..Forget about that ice cream straight from the freezer..forget about the stormy winter..but yet..nothing beats the coldness in a heart without love..
The Weeping Willow's Friend
"In the wet and cold cold night, my Nightingale is back
what seems so heavy in thy heart..? my good old branch could crack..
It was only four seasons long..and you're back singing sad songs
I thought you found someone..somewhere you belong.."
"You're still standing strong, my good old Silver Willow
your branches bend so low, it shows all your sorrow
I only wish I could stay right here for as long as I can
cos' I'll never have the will to fly and battle the storm again."
"The wind was harsh, my Nightingale..your kindness put to test
for some fools may take for granted and all at your very best
come stay on my branches bends and sing me songs as I weep
for no foolish fools could ever know what love is meant so deep.."
"Cover me with your silver leaves..shelter me from this cold
I'll sing you all my stories..though they may seems so old
close your eyes and weep with me..and let those angels cry
till one may never weep again when the love in them have died.."
~the day my angel cried..~
20th May, 2013
For the longest time..these words have been held inside..there's nothing I could find to complete them. There are so much bits and pieces..'broken'.. I guess this is what it really means in this word so often been taken so harshly as it sounds..and some pieces are lost. Maybe that's the best for me. There must be some part in a person ought to be lost and forgotten..
"Cry in the dark, my Nightingale..but when the night is over..and the light hit the roads, find your way..to anywhere that makes you happy.." ~ your Silver Willow..
Monday, December 31, 2012
End Of The World..?
Just when the whole season, the whole world have been talking about 'the end of the world' phenomenon that never happened.. as for some people, their world may have ended like a million times having so much sadness in their heart and filling all sorts of negativity all over their wall..all over their spaces..locking themselves in a space they couldn't get the courage and encouragement to step out of. I can totally relate..I was like that a decade ago...I'm old now....hahaha...!*(>~<)' ..but there's a Facebook friend who seems more like he needs a good knock on the head..3 long years of messages..and still sounds like I'm talking to a well down deep "alllooo...oo...o...o..."..he's in too deep I guess...How da'heck did he fell in there..??!...aiyoo.....*(=o=)'
For the longest time now..I don't even remember, I thought that in my space, all is silent..all is gone..but suddenly, there were some words from a long time silent soul..the other day..just in time on such a sad day for me..that it seems so ironic..somehow, with this fury, frustration and sadness that comes altogether..so rare..on that particular day..so suddenly, I don't know how I should answer..
I was heartbroken..have been heartbroken..and maybe I still am...
I don't know how I should feel anymore..when one moment, I thought I was the happiest person in the world..and at another moment I was hurt so bad, feeling so sad..I felt like I have given up..but then suddenly, I was awakened by a message..some words..some little kindness that only replied after quite a long while over 8 weeks..just like a little flickering of light..and gone again..but then, what was that supposed to mean..? Just like before..I have been feeling abandoned and my presence is not really welcomed..
On another day..just when I was feeling so down and frustrated, I was suddenly relieved by a voice who care..but just as I was feeling better, there comes the same complain..Why does it have to be mentioned..?..many times.. And yet again..I can't help but feeling like I'm such a burden and nothing but a sense of unwanted burden to bear..
As I grow up, someone wise in my life used to often say..
"If you choose to leave, don't stay for nothing..If there's something you feel like a burden, that you feel that it's reaping off your notes in your wallet, rob you off your energy, time and even feelings..if it's so hard for you, don't do it. Don't do it and complain afterwards..Just don't. What's the purpose..? You'd just kill all the efforts and meanings behind it, because you make that person who receives feeling so bad..feeling like he/she would rather have nothing at all than to be a burden of any kind for anyone. At the end..things would turn out unhappy and sour after all.. If you are sincere of giving, don't complain afterwards..cos' somehow it shows that you are not so sincere even though basically you don't actually mean it that way."
I have always remember that.. But lately I have been feeling so suffocated..that some people are just not tired of abusing..Maybe I'm starting to feel tired of giving too..one of these days...
I don't want to be anyone's burden of any kind..don't want to take away anyone's precious time, attention, money or anything.. If you don't have the heart to be just a little generous..just once in a long long while when the moon seems the bluest of blue..then I'd rather not hope for anything at all..not from anyone at all..
There were times..most of the time, my complete silent would just means so much..only the truest of hearts among friends would make an effort to come with sincerity and try to understand with an open heart.. There were times..when they already know why I am the way I am..why the wall around my heart is getting higher, bigger and stronger.. that I have to abandon all feelings and reactions..be still and so cold..so that I won't feel like a roller coaster..in a drastic rise and fall of emotions..it could be so exhausting. I could almost feel my heartbeat in hold, so close to a stop..
hhhhhh................keep breathing, El.
Hold your tears..and keep breathing...
For the longest time now..I don't even remember, I thought that in my space, all is silent..all is gone..but suddenly, there were some words from a long time silent soul..the other day..just in time on such a sad day for me..that it seems so ironic..somehow, with this fury, frustration and sadness that comes altogether..so rare..on that particular day..so suddenly, I don't know how I should answer..
I was heartbroken..have been heartbroken..and maybe I still am...
I don't know how I should feel anymore..when one moment, I thought I was the happiest person in the world..and at another moment I was hurt so bad, feeling so sad..I felt like I have given up..but then suddenly, I was awakened by a message..some words..some little kindness that only replied after quite a long while over 8 weeks..just like a little flickering of light..and gone again..but then, what was that supposed to mean..? Just like before..I have been feeling abandoned and my presence is not really welcomed..
On another day..just when I was feeling so down and frustrated, I was suddenly relieved by a voice who care..but just as I was feeling better, there comes the same complain..Why does it have to be mentioned..?..many times.. And yet again..I can't help but feeling like I'm such a burden and nothing but a sense of unwanted burden to bear..
As I grow up, someone wise in my life used to often say..
"If you choose to leave, don't stay for nothing..If there's something you feel like a burden, that you feel that it's reaping off your notes in your wallet, rob you off your energy, time and even feelings..if it's so hard for you, don't do it. Don't do it and complain afterwards..Just don't. What's the purpose..? You'd just kill all the efforts and meanings behind it, because you make that person who receives feeling so bad..feeling like he/she would rather have nothing at all than to be a burden of any kind for anyone. At the end..things would turn out unhappy and sour after all.. If you are sincere of giving, don't complain afterwards..cos' somehow it shows that you are not so sincere even though basically you don't actually mean it that way."
I have always remember that.. But lately I have been feeling so suffocated..that some people are just not tired of abusing..Maybe I'm starting to feel tired of giving too..one of these days...
I don't want to be anyone's burden of any kind..don't want to take away anyone's precious time, attention, money or anything.. If you don't have the heart to be just a little generous..just once in a long long while when the moon seems the bluest of blue..then I'd rather not hope for anything at all..not from anyone at all..
There were times..most of the time, my complete silent would just means so much..only the truest of hearts among friends would make an effort to come with sincerity and try to understand with an open heart.. There were times..when they already know why I am the way I am..why the wall around my heart is getting higher, bigger and stronger.. that I have to abandon all feelings and reactions..be still and so cold..so that I won't feel like a roller coaster..in a drastic rise and fall of emotions..it could be so exhausting. I could almost feel my heartbeat in hold, so close to a stop..
hhhhhh................keep breathing, El.
Hold your tears..and keep breathing...
Bulan
Penantian..
tanpa sebarang perjanjian
Pungguk nan sendirian
mencari detik-detik harapan
sinaranmu kan menyinari malam
mengukir mimpi
menghitung hari
mungkin pepohon kan berbunga lagi..
Namun..
musim-musim berlalu
Pungguk masih bersendirian
diselubungi seribu persoalan
ditinggal tanpa jawapan
keletihan..
kesejukan..
tiada kehangatan dari sinaranmu Bulan..
Kesedihan..
dalam kegelapan
dalam kegelapan
tiada dapat diterangi mentari
kehangatan hanya membakar diri
Pungguk harus pergi
meninggalkan kesejukan ini
memungut cebisan hati
membawa diri
kembali hinggap di dahan nan tinggi
kubukan setiap titisan air mata di hati
takkan mendongak lagi..
*
tangisan di bawah sinaran bulan
~ 31st December, 2012
*
*
tangisan di bawah sinaran bulan
~ 31st December, 2012
*
..and so the barn owl hide herself in the dark and never be seen again..
Some things passed..were meant to be buried and shall never be surfaced again..For each time, I know I have tried all that I can..and I won't regret. I've done fighting..yet again..it's too exhausting..There's no use keep chasing for something that just won't belong.. It won't do good. So, no matter how beautiful that world seems to be, no matter how strong a relationship should be, I have to put an end to it..or draw a clearer line to it..I have to leave..before it consumes too much of me, I'd be depressed again. I need to breathe..to be able to pick myself up and help others..and because there are so much more to look forward to.
Somehow..whenever I was down, even when I fell so hard I could hardly walk..that my butt hurts like hell..(I mean my heart..), I could and I would always turn around and hold out a helping hand to others who were drowning in their pond of sorrow or whenever someone needed help. They don't know that deep inside, I could be as suffocated and as down as they are..they really don't have to know...seriously..!^^ ..and of course..most people are so not interested to know..lol...!*(>.<) If one day(*touch wood..) I'm drowning, I'm not gonna' pull anyone into the pool and die with me...lol...! You know what I mean..? "Hey..seriously..you may be in deep shit, but no one has to die with you. So, don't you start saying sh*tty things and pull the rest of the world down with you.." *I know someone who does exactly that..maybe he just don't realise what da'heck he was doing..so often saying, "I don't give a f*ck how you feel..! bla..bla..bla.."..all sorts of more hurting words. So, I could just say, "So, yo'! Then, get'da'hell away from me..!"..but I didn't.. Hurting is not my way of communicating..Thank you.
No matter how, over the years, I have learnt to ease myself and help myself in different ways. I would easily step out of my little door of silence..or turn my head away from my sorrow, I could just be a laughing hyena in the cinema..smiling sunshine cracking one of a kinda' jokes with my precious friends..as enthusiastic and positive with my work..walking with my head held high..I could smile cos' I'm a person with courage to step..away..forward..and find the meaning in my life..to be where I meant to be..where I'll be valued..appreciated..and loved.. I will build a beautiful new world..or find a place worth my presence...
So, with this..I'm leaving all sadness of 2012 behind, off I go to the land of Buddha's birth place, Nepal..to touch the waters and feel the wind of calmness..hopefully they will wash and blow away the dusty greys..to kiss the nature and soil of serenity and greet the sunshine of enlightenment..with hope that the stars will add some light to my humble life..And hopefully I'll be back in 2013 for some happiness ahead of me. Happy New Year..new life...^^
Somehow..whenever I was down, even when I fell so hard I could hardly walk..that my butt hurts like hell..(I mean my heart..), I could and I would always turn around and hold out a helping hand to others who were drowning in their pond of sorrow or whenever someone needed help. They don't know that deep inside, I could be as suffocated and as down as they are..they really don't have to know...seriously..!^^ ..and of course..most people are so not interested to know..lol...!*(>.<) If one day(*touch wood..) I'm drowning, I'm not gonna' pull anyone into the pool and die with me...lol...! You know what I mean..? "Hey..seriously..you may be in deep shit, but no one has to die with you. So, don't you start saying sh*tty things and pull the rest of the world down with you.." *I know someone who does exactly that..maybe he just don't realise what da'heck he was doing..so often saying, "I don't give a f*ck how you feel..! bla..bla..bla.."..all sorts of more hurting words. So, I could just say, "So, yo'! Then, get'da'hell away from me..!"..but I didn't.. Hurting is not my way of communicating..Thank you.
No matter how, over the years, I have learnt to ease myself and help myself in different ways. I would easily step out of my little door of silence..or turn my head away from my sorrow, I could just be a laughing hyena in the cinema..smiling sunshine cracking one of a kinda' jokes with my precious friends..as enthusiastic and positive with my work..walking with my head held high..I could smile cos' I'm a person with courage to step..away..forward..and find the meaning in my life..to be where I meant to be..where I'll be valued..appreciated..and loved.. I will build a beautiful new world..or find a place worth my presence...
So, with this..I'm leaving all sadness of 2012 behind, off I go to the land of Buddha's birth place, Nepal..to touch the waters and feel the wind of calmness..hopefully they will wash and blow away the dusty greys..to kiss the nature and soil of serenity and greet the sunshine of enlightenment..with hope that the stars will add some light to my humble life..And hopefully I'll be back in 2013 for some happiness ahead of me. Happy New Year..new life...^^
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