They Tell Me...

Have you ever felt so strongly towards something in just a vision that happens to flash by? ..something that, somehow, you know that it is far from reality..at that moment.

One fine evening... somewhere out there..the wind have sent me a message, a vision so clear..as I close my eyes, I breathe in.. deep... And as I opened my eyes so slowly when I exhale..there was a smile on my face..right there..at that moment, there was a drop of tear just enough to run down my cheek..with none of a reason I never know till this very moment.

With my arms wrapped around my shoulder, feeling the wind brushing my face.. I was thinking to myself..Well, maybe it's just another funny way of an inspiration coming through...

*

They Tell Me...

When I gaze upon the sky

there'd be rain, much expected

and the dampness of the wind that touches my skin

they tell me,

there's one thing now I'm sure

I'm sheltered.

*

When I look at the clouds

there would be storm

and the breeze that threatens to chill

they made me realise,

there's so much more..I have not lost

I have them still..they're safe with you.

*

Then I look into your eyes...

deep...

and they tell me,

I don't need to take cover

when I have them inside your arms,

I don't need to shed no tears

when my days are filled with laughter,

and there is so much space

...to express

...to be free

...to be loved..

-a work of vision in the year of 1999-

*

There are lots of things that couldn't be explained.. and yet, you do enjoy the feeling of it.. A feeling that you just can't find, but it comes..hitting right through when you least expect. And it does leave mark..as like a book mark..slipped right there in between the pages of your diary...

The Maniac Quit Smoking!

Are you smoking? Do you have any friends or family members who smoke? Sure you have..

With a joking manner, I often ask my friends who smoke,

"Why are you killing yourself? Are you having such a hell of a life that you want to throw away your precious money and kill yourself slowly that way?"

They would only answer,

"It's already become a habit.."

Then when I ask them again,

"And why are you killing me? Have I been cruel to you?...Why are you killing your friends faster than you kill yourself? I'm inhaling all these awful smoke of yours u'know... Is it also a habit of yours being a killer?" ..aha.. it does start to sound serious..(giggle...)

Then, they'd give a second thought.. Most of them would never smoke at my pressance, but there's the one and only, the meanest among my friends...

*

It was at the beginning of our college life, back in mid of 1996. Among 15 of us in the double storey house converted into a student hostel.. there were 7 girls and 7 boys, and on the 3rd day of college.. came the 15th, a tom-boy who have given everyone else a puzzle in their mind.. whether she's a lesbian or straight. Yes..!! That was the unpredictable Ellie Ng..(lol...!!) But among all 15, Frankie Lim was the meanest maniac who often care less..so full of his pride and attitude.. just enough to annoy almost every girls there.

"Oye!! Frankie!! How could you teach all the others how to smoke?!"

I still remember how I have raised my voice at him for the most terrible thing he was doing.

"Ey...I never force them wo..."

He answered.

Errgh......this maniac...!

One night, as usual, I was doing my homework upstairs at the guys' study area, I saw Kevin.. still practicing how to smoke. (..thanks to our Mr. Frankie Lim..) Kevin was mumbling and complaining to himself..looking so awfully down in his mood..dwelled so deep in his thoughts..trying to figure out the idea for his graphic design project. I was looking at him with a smile in my heart..in complete silence..having a strong instinct that something was about to happen..I was then, trying to step in his shoes.. and wonder... And so...

Smokey Chokey!

Life's a hectic, I must say

out of a busy, lonely day

learning that I'm nobody

to compare with everybody.

*

Reaching home with emptiness

feeling rather hopeless

searching for a dim light

to make everything bright.

*

Then I reach for the little box

and I gave it a little knock

out a cigarette I took

light it up and smoke

..ahak! ahak! I was choked.

- 17th August, 1996-

With that funny title for the poem, you can actually imagine how funny I was feeling at that moment ...and I just couldn't help laughing at him.. so loud, "..ha..ha..ha..! Of all the good things in the world, you choose to learn how to smoke!" That's what happened to Kevin.. our funny guy.

Sigh...Frankie.. In more than 10 years of knowing him..I have seen him changed.. from a college rebel..to a fine young man. He have become more mature in his thinking, excel in his profession... but yet still smoking! Gosh! All my advise for him.. all these years..just went 'up in smoke' with his habit.. that seems to have grown as solid as a rock! So stupborn!

Somehow, a miracle happened! It was about this time..last year.. the meanest maniac have quit smoking! Just one useful warning from the doctor,

"This endless cough of yours is a sign of lung cancer from your excessive smoking..."

...and so, Frankie have quit smoking in just one week!

Yes! 1 week!

"Wow...! Frankie!! Frankie!! Frankie buddy...!! You've finally did it! Congratulations! Ahhh......!!! I'm so happy for you!!"...I said to him so happily..almost jumping up and down.. (..ehem.. that's a bit over reacted, doesn't it?) I was too surprised and happy to hear it straight from him...and I gave him a big hug for that. Thanks to the doctor.. his one piece of good advise.. and my friend is now a much healthier person. Isn't that great?!

To, Kevin, Khee Hong, Ah See, Wah Chai, Ah Siang and Tarzan...

"..our Frankie have quit smoking! How about you guys?"

*

...(lol..!!) My dear friends.. Please do think more than twice when you're about to touch that cigarette. Don't throw your life and health away..'up in smoke'. "The maniac have quit smoking.. How about you?"

And as for dear Frankie.. I salute you! I will always love you as a good friend... love the way we tease and pinch each other... love the way we drive each other nuts... There is no other like my Frankie buddy... "Don't be angry, ok.. I dedicate this especially for you.." he..he..

Mimpi Dibuai Iramamu...

I love poetry, be it in English, Bahasa Malaysia, etc.. Here is one of the 'sajak' written in Bahasa Malaysia..written as I dream away with the sound of the music from the radio..

Mimpi Dibuai Iramamu

Inginku berada di bawah awan putihmu

membawa impian baru dalam senyumanmu

irama peti suara membuai mimpiku

merantau jauh kapadamu

Sayangku,

segalanya tiada membawa erti

selagi kau jauh dari sisi

isi hati ini

hanya kau yang mengerti.

-in memories of love-

written on 21st Aug, 1998.

Means *

Rocking my dreams with your tune

I wish to be sheltered underneath your white clouds

bringing new meaning to your smile

the tunes from the radio.. rocking my dreams

far over to you

My love,

the meanings of it all aren't clear

when you're so far away

what's in this heart

only you would understand.

Love In A Many Splendid Ways...

Have you ever wonder... how and why the closest relationship could turn so sour? I'm not talking about friendship. You can choose your friends.. say 'hi' or 'bye' whenever you like it or you don't. You can even choose your husband or wife, whoever you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. Somehow, divorce could be only a signature away or so.. But when it comes to someone as close as your own flesh and blood.. how'd you think?
Have you been in the situation where the relationship is so close and yet you feel that certain things have drag you too far away? Too far apart that you don't even know how to pull things back together..
My heart feels so sore lately... though things like these have been going on since god knows when.. but the hardest part is when you feel like it would go on forever.
I have a wonderful sister, the only person that I really adore and look up to. She is such a gorgeous..a genius who could just excel in whatever she lays her hands on.. be it her profession, performing arts, cooking.. whatever! And she have a good sense of style in fashion too! The only thing that have kept me worrying is about her attitude and temper. It is amazing how she could take things in a negative way.. and that often lead to an explosive temper.
Did I just say 'explosive'? Yes...I just did... and that is undeniably true.
My beloved sister is a dynamite on 2 legs. One slightest move.. and boom!! Disaster!... The funny thing is.. she never behave this way with the rest of the world.. and I do understand why...She only behaves like this with her closest family members.. those whom she trusts to understand her enough.. and so it happens that I'm the luckiest person in the world, the closest one that she loves the most (err.. I guess..), the only one she could turn to.. but just in an extraordinary way.
She is a person with her pride hidden away.. under her pillow where she lay and think so hard to herself every day. She never like to tell what happens in her life..her emotions..what she's been through.. but only to express her unhappiness in another way.. a way that no one could ever imagine.

*

"My dear sis..there is no need to question.. how much we love each other. But I have accepted the fact that we are yet two very different beings...different in opinions, attitude, characteristics..and almost everything. Why haven't you?
I am sorry that my piece of advise comes too direct at times. All my words for you have never meant to be mean, though it could hurt when I was just being honest. I do mean what I've honestly told you.. for a good purpose. But how often do you hear it from me anyway?
I am so sorry that in all these years, I have failed as a sister, fail to make you understand, fail to satisfy you, fail to make you feel happy, fail to make you feel proud to be my sister, fail to even make you feel that I do love you.. I have failed tremendously. And therefore, I'm feeling so sore in my heart, and I am sad.
Sis.. I don't mind being your 'punch bag'.. if that seems to be the only way you could let it all out of your chest.. the only way you could express. I can feel that it is hard for you too.. How you've been carrying such heavy loads of responsibilities on your shoulders, that is not much broader than mine..How you've been struggling all by yourself..half way around the globe from home. My worry is that... if one fine day..suddenly..I just happen to have to be away..far away for a long, long time...then, who could you turn to? Who could be there for you? The way you want.. the way you used to.. the way it have always been.. all these years..
No matter how harsh were the words you've thrown onto me...I'd swallow. No matter how ugly the names you've called me...I'd swallow. No matter how you've flared your attitude and temper...I'd swallow. No matter how endless..how it could make me feel so suffocated...I could still swallow. But please... when you ask me to stay away from you by all means...have you been thinking? When you ask me to stop signing out my messages with "I love you, Lt. Sis"...have you been thinking? At those times when you say, "I don't know how you could be my sister"...have you been thinking.. really, seriously thinking?
Let me tell you how I feel... It does sounds like..you don't want me in your life. It sounds more hurtful than any other ugly names in the world. And at times, the patience is hard to bear.
Dearest Sis.. for once.. and for an instance.. let me answer your doubt.
Because of 'fate'.. we are sisters. Because of 'fate'.. we are born to be so different from each other. Because of 'fate'.. I was born to have you by my side from the moment I open my blurry little eyes to see the world.. till the very moment of my last breath. Because of 'fate'.. we were meant to walk this life together.. be it sweet, sour, bitter..or whatsoever. For me.. you are the chosen one.. to be the only one.. who could be the only you... Because of who you are and how you have been..I am what I am today. You have done your part.. just as you are.. that have shaped me of what I am today.. And I am thankful to have you as my sister.. the one and only sister of flesh and blood.. and there is no one else in the world that I would choose to replace you. I would and I could always tell you loud and bold..."I love you, and I am your little sis. I don't mind walking another lifetime with you...over and over again. I just hate to have the 'war of words' with you in those many splendid ways."

*

And as for each and everyone of you out there, do be careful.. very, very careful.. that there are certain things that you shouldn't say, wish or even think in the corner of your mind. You never know what you've got till you lost it. And wishes do come true..you know.. Do not say, do, or even think of anything that will bring you to a state where you will truly regret. Believe me.. I have been there...
Be it any relationship, friendship or even merely acquaintance.. I believe.. they are the fated ones. Some will benefits you..bring you joy.. and more, while others would just drive you insane.. really put your patience to the test. They all happen ia a twist of fate... whether they are to walk with you through your life..side by side, or some behave like devils.. only to drive you up the wall, while some others will be just glancing or watching you from afar.. like a little angel.. only to give you a little dim light.. a little enlightment for your soul. But without their contribution..huge or little.. you wouldn't have become what you are. It is all up to you.. how you'd choose to look at it..take it..or leave it.
Well, I would choose to embrace it with my open heart.. and let love conquer it all. As I have said, love could also be like clouds.. that in a certain way, it will, unexpectedly, covers your sun and makes you give a sigh. With my hands on my chest.. and a smile on my face.. I'd take a deep breath.. and I keep telling myself.. love comes in a many splendid ways... and it's fate... As for the rest.. it's up to me to work it all out with my own bare hands...

Fate

No friendship without fate

that's what friends shall say

no love without fate

that's what lovers tell

cos' no one knows, nor words can say

not you or me but a word called..

..fate.

-written and dedicated to a friend in 1995-

With Love...

I'm another year older today! I'm so grateful that I have friends who still remember and wishes me well, though nowadays we seldom hang out as we used to.
A friend of mine called and wished me a week before, just because he's going away for a long vacation overseas.. and that he'll miss my Birthday. Aw... so nice... And a thoughtful housemate who brought me a piece of cake all the way to my office. I taste the sweetness all the way into my heart. There was a smile on my face as i take every little byte of it. As I thought to myself.."How wonderful life is..when love is in the air..." Again..my eyes were almost teary..
Everyone 's busy with their own things, and it reminds me how time flies. Some friends are married, some are staying at quite a distance away, some are staying near but couldn't even get a chance to meet for more than a year now, but they never forget me. Thanks to all of them. Though I have been busy as well.. they're always in my mind. Please forgive me.. for I have been too busy lately. Though I could be such a forgetful person at times...their pressance are always felt in my heart.
Long live our friendships! And may all of them be blessed with all they wish for.. and most of all..love...
I dedicate this to all.. with love..

Love Is...

Love is like air

you can't touch it but it's there

breathe it in to feel more than alive every day.

*

Love is like wind

sometimes comes light and brushes your hair

sometimes ferocious, disastrous with no care.

*

Love is like clouds

like patches of cotton, decorating your blue skies

or covers your sun and makes you give a sigh.

*

Love is like rain

sometimes drizzles and lushes your greens

or at times, it washes away your pain.

*

Love is like water

no matter how hard you try to stop the flow

it will find the way back and even stronger it'll grow.

*

Love is like you

right there in my heart no matter where I go

binding stronger and stronger as the seasons follow.

-written on 28th May, 2008-

For My Pa...

I have been thinking a lot about my Dad lately. 'Pa' is the name I used to call him, 'lou dau' would sounds much closer though a bit ill mannered, but now..I don't even have that chance to call him anymore..
My memories with Pa isn't always pleasant. I used to think that he is someone so hard to understand, stupborn and conservative. But after all these years trying to open my mind to accept my life as it is.. and trying to understand.. I somehow think Pa is like an old dictionary with all the words..as like all the lessons.. that you need to learn.."essential", I would say..You have to open it, flip and search through the pages to find the meanings and take some time to understand the usage of the words.. that isn't too hard actually.
Aren't most Fathers behave the same? They just have their own way to express their love.. that most of us just couldn't see till we've actually lost it. It is their pride, I would say... The pride that have made them the 'Father' as they are... The pride that have brought them far... made them stand tall and earned their respect..
I'd always respect my Pa as he was.. an example of a leadership I could never find elsewhere. He have always been the power that drives me.. pushed me so far till I have become what I am today.. and I am proud of it. Pa.. if only you could hear me...I'm sorry that I have been so late.. so late even to actually tell you how much I respect you and that I am thankful for the things you've done for me and this family.. Pa..this is for you..

Salute To My Pa..

Ever since I was little

I never have a teddy

"You don't need that to grow wiser"

Pa always said to me.

*

When I was at school

I wouldn't dare to fail a subject

I'm so afraid that if I do

Pa will pull the 'rotan' from his back.

*

I made my decision to art college

but I saw that sigh and frown

I said,"Let me make my choice...

Pa, I'll never let you down."

*

I struggled to be the best

as I step out and face the world

I often stand out of the rest

I wish Pa could see all my work.

*

As I look back through the years

the memories are strong as ever

lessons learned are really precious

"Thanks, Pa.. I'd never live a life of another."

-written on 9th June, 2008-

in memories of Pa

Fatherly love is often hard to see or understand. That's why..I'll always have my 'old dictionary' with me..as long as I live. It's 'essential', you know.....

In Love With...

I was quiet and shy since I was little. I guess that is why I don't have many friends. The best company I've ever had.. were all the books in the library. Legends, Folk Tales and Fairy Tales were my favourites.
I can still remember how I embrace the books as I walk home every time I have borrow them from the library. At times, I'd read them more than twice, till I forgot to return them when the date was due. As the result, I was not allowed to borrow any books on the following week. I'd then walk away with my teary eyes.. but guess what.. all through that week, I'd be running in and out of the library, spending every little time I've had.. reading on the floor in between the shelves. Lovely...isn't it? I seem to have fallen in love with the books in the library...!!(lol...)

The Nightingale's Sigh

Broken is my heart

as cold as the ice

bitter from the start

sold for none a price.

*

Squirrels earn their crops

Autumn's passing by

they couldn't see those teardrops

falling from my eyes.

*

Holy angels sing

wonder through the night

oh, when will church bells ring

and rushes me my knight..

-written in 1995-

.....though it's written years after, it's clearly seen.. where the inspirations came from.
It's about a princess, cursed to be a bird, a nightingale..away from her love. As seasons pass after another, she's yet to wait for her knight to come and free her from the curse..

Night...

Since at a young age, I have always realised how colourful is the life I'm living in, though it wasn't the brightest colours anyone might have imagined.. And so, I have learned to enjoy my solitude...
Almost every night..with only the dim light from the little kerosene lamp, through the shapes of my little fingers, I gazed upon the stars through the wooden 'kampung' house window, and let my imaginations running free.. to a place beyond dreams. Those were the nights, I have slowly found my inspirations to create the visions in my mind. And these visions have given me a strong urge to start writing. And finally, at the age of twelve, I have written my first poem...

Night

The darkness is here again

little birds shivering in fright

coz' no one come or ever aim

to change it into lovely lights.

*

What's so frightening at night..

is the owl singing those horrible songs..

or the vamps' when the clock struck twelve..

or just you who's frightening yourself?

*

But all I have to do at night

is to find the treasure in my dreams

coz' when I open my eyes

a brand new day will begin.

-written at the age of 12-

I always have a little laugh in my heart when I read this poem. It does somehow, reminds me how funny I was..fearless.. and I was only twelve!
The lines are all in a rhyme. I think it's because the first few books I just love to read again and again when I was little.. were the books of Nursery Rhymes.. All the pictures in the books were so colourful, beautiful and classically painted. There were funny pictures of The Three Blind Mice, Humpty Dumpty, Baa Baa Black Sheep... and so much more. I just love them...love the books.. love my solitude.. love the dreams.. love the nights.....

Those Innocent Years...

Ya...those were the years, when you were twelve or fifteen, so young and innocent... How much do you know about love then? As little as you've seen.. as simple as it is.. and as beautiful as it seems, doesn't it? Well.. as silly as it sounds...

Love

Love is to reach out for someone's hand

love means to understand

no secrets, no lies

true love never dies

when love begins

faces goes pink

because love means

everything...

-written in those innocent years..-

...(lol...) laugh all you might. But who haven't been through those innocent years..when puppy love could last for only a day or two? Maybe not.. But for those who have been through it all...isn't it such a wonderful feeling? When I take a journey down to Memory Lane..."Gosh! Those were the years...I forgot to enjoy!" (sigh.....)