End Of The World..?

Just when the whole season, the whole world have been talking about 'the end of the world' phenomenon that never happened.. as for some people, their world may have ended like a million times having so much sadness in their heart and filling all sorts of negativity all over their wall..all over their spaces..locking themselves in a space they couldn't get the courage and encouragement to step out of. I can totally relate..I was like that a decade ago...I'm old now....hahaha...!*(>~<)'   ..but there's a Facebook friend who seems more like he needs a good knock on the head..3 long years of messages..and still sounds like I'm talking to a well down deep "alllooo...oo...o...o..."..he's in too deep I guess...How da'heck did he fell in there..??!...aiyoo.....*(=o=)'
For the longest time now..I don't even remember, I thought that in my space, all is silent..all is gone..but suddenly, there were some words from a long time silent soul..the other day..just in time on such a sad day for me..that it seems so ironic..somehow, with this fury, frustration and sadness that comes altogether..so rare..on that particular day..so suddenly, I don't know how I should answer..
I was heartbroken..have been heartbroken..and maybe I still am...
I don't know how I should feel anymore..when one moment, I thought I was the happiest person in the world..and at another moment I was hurt so bad, feeling so sad..I felt like I have given up..but then suddenly, I was awakened by a message..some words..some little kindness that only replied after quite a long while over 8 weeks..just like a little flickering of light..and gone again..but then, what was that supposed to mean..? Just like before..I have been feeling abandoned and my presence is not really welcomed..
On another day..just when I was feeling so down and frustrated, I was suddenly relieved by a voice who care..but just as I was feeling better, there comes the same complain..Why does it have to be mentioned..?..many times.. And yet again..I can't help but feeling like I'm such a burden and nothing but a sense of unwanted burden to bear..
As I grow up, someone wise in my life used to often say..
"If you choose to leave, don't stay for nothing..If there's something you feel like a burden, that you feel that it's reaping off your notes in your wallet, rob you off your energy, time and even feelings..if it's so hard for you, don't do it. Don't do it and complain afterwards..Just don't. What's the purpose..? You'd just kill all the efforts and meanings behind it, because you make that person who receives feeling so bad..feeling like he/she would rather have nothing at all than to be a burden of any kind for anyone. At the end..things would turn out unhappy and sour after all.. If you are sincere of giving, don't complain afterwards..cos' somehow it shows that you are not so sincere even though basically you don't actually mean it that way."
I have always remember that.. But lately I have been feeling so suffocated..that some people are just not tired of abusing..Maybe I'm starting to feel tired of giving too..one of these days...
I don't want to be anyone's burden of any kind..don't want to take away anyone's precious time, attention, money or anything.. If you don't have the heart to be just a little generous..just once in a long long while when the moon seems the bluest of blue..then I'd rather not hope for anything at all..not from anyone at all..
There were times..most of the time, my complete silent would just means so much..only the truest of hearts among friends would make an effort to come with sincerity and try to understand with an open heart.. There were times..when they already know why I am the way I am..why the wall around my heart is getting higher, bigger and stronger.. that I have to abandon all feelings and reactions..be still and so cold..so that I won't feel like a roller coaster..in a drastic rise and fall of emotions..it could be so exhausting. I could almost feel my heartbeat in hold, so close to a stop..
hhhhhh................keep breathing, El.
Hold your tears..and keep breathing...

Bulan

Penantian..

tanpa sebarang perjanjian

Pungguk nan sendirian

mencari detik-detik harapan

sinaranmu kan menyinari malam

mengukir mimpi

menghitung hari

mungkin pepohon kan berbunga lagi..

Namun..

musim-musim berlalu

Pungguk masih bersendirian

diselubungi seribu persoalan

ditinggal tanpa jawapan

keletihan..

kesejukan..

tiada kehangatan dari sinaranmu Bulan..

Kesedihan..
dalam kegelapan

tiada dapat diterangi mentari

kehangatan hanya membakar diri

Pungguk harus pergi

meninggalkan kesejukan ini

memungut cebisan hati

membawa diri

kembali hinggap di dahan nan tinggi

kubukan setiap titisan air mata di hati

takkan mendongak lagi..
*
tangisan di bawah sinaran bulan
~ 31st December, 2012
*

..and so the barn owl hide herself in the dark and never be seen again..

Some things passed..were meant to be buried and shall never be surfaced again..For each time, I know I have tried all that I can..and I won't regret. I've done fighting..yet again..it's too exhausting..There's no use keep chasing for something that just won't belong.. It won't do good. So, no matter how beautiful that world seems to be, no matter how strong a relationship should be, I have to put an end to it..or draw a clearer line to it..I have to leave..before it consumes too much of me, I'd be depressed again. I need to breathe..to be able to pick myself up and help others..and because there are so much more to look forward to.
Somehow..whenever I was down, even when I fell so hard I could hardly walk..that my butt hurts like hell..(I mean my heart..), I could and I would always turn around and hold out a helping hand to others who were drowning in their pond of sorrow or whenever someone needed help. They don't know that deep inside, I could be as suffocated and as down as they are..they really don't have to know...seriously..!^^ ..and of course..most people are so not interested to know..lol...!*(>.<) If one day(*touch wood..) I'm drowning, I'm not gonna' pull anyone into the pool and die with me...lol...! You know what I mean..? "Hey..seriously..you may be in deep shit, but no one has to die with you. So, don't you start saying sh*tty things and pull the rest of the world down with you.." *I know someone who does exactly that..maybe he just don't realise what da'heck he was doing..so often saying, "I don't give a f*ck how you feel..! bla..bla..bla.."..all sorts of more hurting words. So, I could just say, "So, yo'! Then, get'da'hell away from me..!"..but I didn't.. Hurting is not my way of communicating..Thank you.
No matter how, over the years, I have learnt to ease myself and help myself in different ways. I would easily step out of my little door of silence..or turn my head away from my sorrow, I could just be a laughing hyena in the cinema..smiling sunshine cracking one of a kinda' jokes with my precious friends..as enthusiastic and positive with my work..walking with my head held high..I could smile cos' I'm a person with courage to step..away..forward..and find the meaning in my life..to be where I meant to be..where I'll be valued..appreciated..and loved.. I will build a beautiful new world..or find a place worth my presence...
So, with this..I'm leaving all sadness of 2012 behind, off I go to the land of Buddha's birth place, Nepal..to touch the waters and feel the wind of calmness..hopefully they will wash and blow away the dusty greys..to kiss the nature and soil of serenity and greet the sunshine of enlightenment..with hope that the stars will add some light to my humble life..And hopefully I'll be back in 2013 for some happiness ahead of me. Happy New Year..new life...^^

Love Me Like A Woman..Love Me Like A Man..Love Me Like No Other..

Someone asked me a question quite some time ago.. A question I remember so clearly till today..a question I'm sure..he have already long forgotten..
"What's the difference between loving somebody and being in love with somebody..?"..he asked..
I was a little stunned..as though my chest stop breathing..my heart stop beating for a little while....and I replied to him after a few seconds..said..it's hard for me to just find some words and describe or explain to him right then in an instant..but I will put them in words on paper..or in a page.. someday.. one day..but there's never been a good day till this memorable day..today.. How can I forget.. Well, maybe someday I will.. But before that..I will always fulfill my promises as long as I can remember..
Stunned..cos' I was thinking..for a person who doesn't even know the difference..how was it possible that he's in love..? He wasn't..he isn't..he never will be..within this space of a love..so intense..so overwhelming..he may not find himself to understand..appreciate..and love..after all.. Maybe some may even find it intimidating..Such disappointment...
     What is love to you..?..Who am I supposed to ask now but only myself..
Love have nothing to do with that great looks that will grey and whey away..nothing to do with wealth and health that could be lost and found in what you do and how you digest..absolutely have nothing to do with that big house, that sporty car or those Prada coat, LV bag or Jimmy's shoes that will wear and tear or deplete of value in no time. Love is nothing material..
     Love is a feeling that you want to be close to someone who you'd want to spend a little more time with..to understand more and even care and protect them..someone..anyone who gave you some feelings whenever and whatever happens to them..and you know that you have feelings to care for them.. Just like you love and respect your Mom and Dad..some of your close friends..even your pet little kitty or that little bunny. Their condition makes you want to care..their depression makes you feel sad too..You know you love their company..and you know you love them..
But what about being in love..? How would someone know the difference..?
Gosh..! There's a huge difference..!
How can I describe..? This is something I can only best describe with my eyes closed..and how I wish a speaker can be plugged right in and broadcast it live from my heart or from my mind..cos' this ain't something that could be so beautifully put in words..'Most beautiful things in the world could only be felt in the heart..' ..anyway...
Since don't know when..I sometimes think like a man..sometimes behave like a man..and even love like a man.. Why..?..because I really do think every heart is the same as fragile..and a man needs about the same thing..the same as much love as a woman..and vice versa.. Don't get me wrong..I'm not gay. So, let me put my feet into the other pair of bigger shoes that are not mine..and let me describe this as a man..with the man in me..for a person like me..it ain't so hard to imagine after all..
*..eyes closed...deep deep breathing...*

....."I love her".....
There's a feeling so beautiful..so intense..it almost hit my mind..keep reciting inside my heart..almost whispering inside my ears..every time the images of her appears in my mind..and the kind of emotion almost bring tears to my eyes..so happy..just thinking of her..having her as a big part of my life I couldn't wait to share with..as a person whom I know..how she complete me in many ways..And she's the only one who could do the wonders like no other..
     Suddenly, there were love songs filled the silence wherever I go..life has a new meaning..I find myself doing lots of things positively with a reason..Suddenly, I wake up happier, the sun seems shinier..my days seems brighter and my nights seems warmer..even though I still sleep alone on my single bed..knowing there's someone loving me back, saying, "I love you too.."..whenever I tell her, "I love you.."..Calling each other Hunny..Hunn..Sweetheart..Sweetie..my PDA Baby..it's all so happy and so sweet..I almost forgot the sugar in my freshly brewed coffee..The existence of such love..overcome all troubles, heal all sadness and hurt.. So, there's so much warmth in the heart..The look of love and happiness all over our faces...
     Suddenly..Valentine's Day is the day I'd most looking forward to..a day I will never miss..so excited to get a sweet gift or surprise for her and this shall never fail..as it seems to become more important than any other special event..a day to celebrate with so much love as fancy as I could imagine..but at the end of the day, just looking at each other's eyes and say, "I love you so much.." with that warm kiss and hug is the very best even without any stupid gifts..because love is only important if you'd remember, cherish and appreciate it..and so, "I love you too.." is the only thing you're so looking forward to hear..These words are so powerful, they can melt my heart..put those problems and worries aside for a while.. Every little event all year long have become another reason to celebrate love..when just wishing "Happy Birthday" doesn't seems enough, I'd wanna' wish her, "..all the love, warmth and happiness you want on this very special day..and every single day.." besides everything else that she needs.."..and I want to do anything I can to make you feel happy and loved.."
     Love is so powerful that it could stir up all emotions..How upset I'd get when someone doesn't treat her right..how jealous I'd feel when some random guy treat her extra nice..How worried I feel when she disappear every now and then without a message..telling me if she's having a good day..How disappointed I feel each time she's too busy and absent altogether from my wall, she didn't even poke me..How anxious I could get when I so wanted to hasten myself to talk to her and tell her every single thing that happens to me every single day..every little things..happiness..sadness..embarrassing moments..I don't care..for she's the only one in the world I'd share it all with..knowing that I could always trust..that she would always try her best to understand..giving me smiles and words as soothing as the morning breeze.. give me strength against all storm, support right at my backbone every time I was down..and so effortlessly, she gives me confidence to stand up and fight again..walk the world ahead and be happy again..Every time..I could be so sure..I know..She will be there..for me..like no other..
Yet..that's not quite like it..
     At times I'd find her loving me like a Mom..so caring of my well being..so long winded as she's so worried..she loves me like a Dad..so protective..with her arms so open whenever I need it, trying to be so strong even when she's in her own crossroads so full of muddy pod holes..she loves me like the best buddy, telling me all cruel truth without offending me..such truthful loyalty..such honesty..no other friends could ever give me..
     Looking deeper..at times..unconsciously..I keep improving myself to be better and better because of that particular person I really love..I feel so excited and looking forward to see her and be with her, I dressed up..groom myself looking my very best whenever I'm going out with her..I'll try my very best to be well, take good care of my own well being..No matter how busy I could get, I'd find some time to read and get to know all about her health condition too..maybe even more than she ever does..simply so that I can take care of things when anything arise..and take care of her.. So unconsciously.. there are things I'd find myself start learning, doing and improving..because there's a kind of energy so positive..it becomes a motivation for me to become a better person altogether. How much she does effect me as a person without doing or saying much..and I'm proud to have her feeling proud of me too..Proud to hold her hands and can't wait to go everywhere with her, travel the world..and tell everyone, "She's my precious love..She's mine.."
     She is someone who makes me feel so happy waking up every morning knowing there's someone so loving and caring for me..and she is in my life..that's exactly where I wanted her to be. She's the one who comfort me after a long and exhausting day..cupped my face with her loving hands and wipe away my tears with her delicate fingers..look right into my eyes and say, "I'm right here..and please always remember that I love you..", she'd hold on and squeeze my hand when I'm down..kiss my forehead and cheek..giving me little big hugs whenever I need it..touch me ever so lovingly and respectfully.. gives me hope and motivation to look and move beyond..makes me feel so secure and assured that happiness is right here..calms me and makes me smile to sleep every night just thinking of the way she loves me..that I'll feel better when I wake up tomorrow with a smile when she's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up in the morning..and I'll rise and go again no matter how hard life could ever get..
I fell in love with the way she loves me..not that pretty face, not that pretty hair, not that sexy curves like a playground to my hands..
but the look in her eyes that can never go wrong..
the love in her heart that ever grow so strong..
makes me feel so sure..I know..that I'm loved..
..and I'm so in love..
..this is it..!
This is the kind of love I don't want to live without..

"Awh..>.< so much crap!"
..the whole world would be saying the very same..isn't it...
"That's so freakin' impossible to find someone like that..So hard to have such happiness..such feeling..so incredibly lot..so intense..so much to even digest.. It's ridiculous..!"
But is it so hard to love..? No.. I don't see why not.. Isn't love the reason that keep your world ever so beautiful..? Love is one simple thing in life that is so powerful, it can motivate us to do so much more..nothing is impossible till you've tried your very best..! And that is one simple reason why, I always wanted to be able to love so truly, so I can be truly happy..I want to be that lovable person whom I can mirror and see myself loving..a person who's so worthy of every bit of love and emotions..a person who's able to love like no other and make it all worthwhile.. And so, I have always put my feet in other's shoes..and try to imagine..how hard it is to find someone like that..it's impossible..It's like hoping for a star to fall right at your feet..too impossible.. too lucky to be true..maybe one in a few million..or maybe it will never happen in this lifetime. But for me..I'm thinking..if it's so hard to find someone like that, why not be that someone instead..? I only live once..and if there's only one way I could choose to live my life..then..let it be Love..and I believe the same as for many..that when you're in love..when love sparks like a huge firework, nothing is impossible..I want to try my very best to be that kind of person with such energy to motivate with such love when the right person comes along..not much..just a person who clicks and feels the same as I do..who could so naturally motivates me too with the way he loves me..and let me love so effortlessly and be loved in return.. And even if there's no one in the world I'd rather be with till the end of my lifetime..at least I'll be able to look into that mirror and be able to smile and say..
"I Finally Found Someone.. 
...Someone Like You..."

I Finally Found Someone ~ Bryan Adams & Barbra Streisand

*

 

Someone Like You ~ Van Morrison

 ~ Love of a lifetime.. ~ 

*

Best Years Of My Life..

     It was a very nice evening..somewhere back in October 2007, Soo and I passed by the area.."Hey..it's already opened for sale and tenancy..!" I said to Soo, pointing my finger towards the new rows of shoplots painted in yellow. "Let's call the number there and ask..!"
..and so it started...
     Brendan was the agent who let us in and view the space. It was all empty and the roughly done cement floor was so dusty..and as I made my very first step into the entrance with Soo..I was thrilled..of how it all appeared in my mind..just in an instant..at that very moment..I knew what I wanted to do on every wall and every corner of the studio.. Yes..and I named it CASTOR & POLLUX Professional Styling Studio..
     For the whole of next month till 6 weeks after, we found ourselves rushing here and there, having meetings, confirmed the rental and tenancy agreement, looking for contractors and wiremen, confirming flooring samples, shopping for furniture, kitchen equipments...everything..! Soo and I painted parts of the ceiling and walls..designed and installed all the tables, set up the cafe and decorated the whole place..Hard work almost all night long..for many sleepless nights, we have been laughing and enjoying ourselves in each other's company, working till our eyes can hardly see each other clearly.. With heavy breath of exhaustion, we spent many late night meals together with all smiles at that table with our favourite food, steamboat..!..so rewarding...Days I really do miss..I'll never forget..
     A week before the studio was opened for business, Teddy flew in from Singapore..I remember so clearly..how he was breakdancing with the broom while helping me sweep the newly installed timber floor..and how it makes me smile every single time the picture appear so clearly in my mind as if it happened just yesterday. "It's just done this afternoon..! Isn't it nice..!"..I said to him. He is one of the few good friends who loved my studio since the very beginning of it's making.. "Are you gonna' turn your studio to a botanical garden..?"..he asked when I told him that I went shopping for potted plants again.. Over the years..the number of plants doubled as I transplant and replant them as they grow..How I love to see everyone enjoyed sitting at the cafe, having coffee and chatting away.. And how I love counting every bloom in the morning as I observe their growth and water them every day..
     Opening the studio have actually opened so many opportunities and path for me..many have witnessed how I have excelled and what I have achieved. I have grown in the costume industry..great energy and great works were displayed in fashion shows and my workmanship and craftmanship were recognised besides being featured in the local papers as one of the young entrepreneurs who are passionate with their talents and hobbies and actually made it into a good business. Competing among the top in the national level for the Piala Sri Endon Batik and Fashion Competition at the end of the year 2010 have gained me more recognition..
     With the opening of CASTOR & POLLUX Art Gallery on the 9th of May, 2010, I have moved so much further beyond my capability and what I have imagined I could do..and yet..I have never stop pushing myself to see how far I could go..The Art Gallery was another childhood dream I have made it came true..where I have created opportunities to develop my artistic side to a higher level..where I've met some of the most famous icons in the local and international fashion and art industry.. I was invited to showcase and exhibit my work and perform side by side, live on stage with other talented artists. I wouldn't have come this far..this fast..without setting my foot to start the Art Gallery..I'm so glad I have gathered my courage and did it..! Yet..I'm still hiding behind my talents and never step into the spotlight cos' I know I'm not someone so talented I could show..I feel better keeping a very low profile altogether..knowing that I will be there when the right time comes..I will.. someday..when I'm ready..
     I always know I could do more. One dream after another, I have made them come true..and new dream grows from there..and so, I keep climbing up and keep moving forward.
     Involving myself more into art and craft have given me new dreams.. With the urge to teach and share my knowledge, I started organizing more classes..been invited to conduct different workshops at the National Textile Museum..met some of the most influential people in the local fashion and textile industry.
     Things were going great till the unfortunate event in May last year..and with so much other things happening in my life that have robbed me off my sleep, my positive energy and my emotions altogether, how I have struggled in many ways.. Somehow, I manage to pull through finally..as always. But looking back, those were the years I would probably cherish the most all through my life. My hard earned experiences..my precious moments..my sunniest glory days that have brought some of the brightest smiles on my face even when I was so exhausted..I know..I earned it..! Those were the best years of my life..!
     With plans I have drawn since more than a year ago, I was looking for the right time and the right opportunity to set my sail to another more exciting destination..and finally, in the mid of March, 2012, the 'meteor dropped' and everything's changed. My sail is set..and my journey to the next destination have begun..There are already so much exciting things I have penned down in my new chapter.. Setting my footsteps to a new rhythm, I'm off again to chase my dreams..and to experience so much more..! And this time..I'm a little worried if I could even handle this whole new excitement without slowing down my pace or skidding off speed, flying higher and higher..!

Best I Ever Had ~ Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

*

Everybody Knows..

...I guess this is the time I need a hug the most..someone to hug me so tight and let me cry in his arms till I fall asleep..at least just to tell me.."I'm right here..it's okay..everything will be okay.."..but the one person I need the most right now chose not to be there somehow..anyhow...
Owh..where is the box of tissue now when I need it..?..hold on...
The past week have been such a rush..rush of time..rush of work..rush of emotions.. I am about to let go of a life..a love..and start anew.. Though it's for the better, it was so hard for me..to let go...
This studio..is where I have brought my career to another level..exposed myself to a lot more precious experience, love and excitement..and most of all, where I have had most beautiful memories in this chapter of my life I am about to put to an end to.
4 years and 4 months..those were the best years of my life..where I have built many of my dreams come true..I felt like a total elevation..like huge fireworks I have launched into the sky.. I'm so happy everybody enjoyed seeing it.. Every single person who walked into the door of CASTOR & POLLUX Professional Styling Studio..can really see and feel that there are so much life in me I've spend and created in here..in this space..Blood and sweat..sigh and frown..Love and pride..joy and laughter..This is my ultimate playground..
Like a friend said,"..This is where you had your best confidence, a place where you've worked and excel so fiercely..expressed so freely, played so happily..This is your playground where you've found the most freedom and happiness out of the bits and bitter of your life where you've gather your courage and strength and built your own dreams came true with your own bare hands. This is a place of your happiness..everyone can see it.. Everyone..! Please don't ever let it go..I'm afraid that you'll lose your happiness and freedom..and back to feeling restricted again.."
Yes..that's true. I am just such a person.. Letting go a huge part of my life for others, for other things I'd find meaningful to my life..making sacrifices as long as I do feel that it's for the better..this is not something new to me.. Anyone who knows me well..my best of friends..they know me..but nobody really knows.. No one but me...
The journey I have walked through..run and leap and eventually excel and fly so high..how my inner self, my career, achievement and feelings have been elevated so high..this studio..this Love..what it means to me..how hard I have worked so passionately and fight to build all of it come true..Every heartbeat..every breath I took as I build it all up to be as beautiful as I wanted.. As if.."This is it..the Love of my life..as how I have always dreamed of.. I made it!"..and I'm so satisfied and relief I could cry for happiness every time I stood right there in the middle of the dance hall, taking a glance..a good look at all the things around me..carefully created..beautifully painted and amazingly nurtured with so much art..love..and care.. This is my home of Love..my Heaven..and it's the only thing in my whole life that I could be so proud of...
In a few days..just less than a week from now..
I will never see it as it is again..
Things will never be the same again..
I will never Love the same way..
..ever again..

~ Best years of my life.. ~

Everybody Knows - John Legend

It gets harder every day, but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, please stay
It's written all over my face,
I can't function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name but no one's there
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess..
Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
Just how to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try..
One more try..
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows..

I don't care what the people say
They brought it all in anyway
Baby don't fill up your head with he-said, she-said
It seems like you just don't know
The radios on, you're tuning me out,
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down..

And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still cant believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess..
Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
Just how to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try..
One more try..
One more try..
Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows..

Oh I wish you'd understand
Oh, just an ordinary man
Wish that we had known
Everybody knows, but nobody really knows
And I know one day you'll see, nobody has it easy
I still cant believe you found somebody new
I wish you the best, I guess..

Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
Just how to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try..
One more try..
One more try..
Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows..

*

Faith..Faithfully..

Dear Diary,

I cried last nite..
Not just because love went silent on me and left without saying good nite..not because of any argument..misunderstanding..or anything.. I guess this kind of silent is nothing new..when it seems like I wasn't given a space to express myself..or seems..not allowed __.
My paper is still blank after hours in many days staring in it..It's been such a long time..I have so much in mind..in fact too much.. I don't know where to start..yet again..
Last nite..someone started a deep conversation with me in facebook and I feel like writing it down somewhere.. Somewhere..anywhere..so that one day, when all is lost..to this world, somehow this Stardustdiary does exist..somewhere in this space..a space where I'd best express myself..gives myself strength..faith and hope to live as long as I still breathe..even though it's suffocating..
I found strength and faith in the words from a friend..a close friend in a way..yet so distant in some ways..
He said...

*

Sam: Miss Ng, long time no see, had good holidays, iron out your life and see more light in your future?
El: Everything's okay..nothing special..future is still unpredictable..
How's things with you?
Sam: I am alright, none the better, none the worse, at this old age my future's more predictable, sticking to my hobby till I die.
El: But at least even if you struggle, you know it won't last long.. but for me.."..till don't know when.." is such a pain in the *ss..
Sam: Don't know what to say. You know something, I have always thought you lived in a room in the studio, but when you cleaned up the place, then I saw only a store room, then it suddenly occurred to me where the f#@% you sleep? Meant to ask you, then you went for holidays.
2012 shall lead you to the path of enlightenment, no worries.
El: I sleep on the brown couch every day n nite.. I have pillows and foldable mattress enough to host for a guest or 2 sometimes..in the completely open concept studio..no divider..no room..how about that..?
Sam: And I always thought you had a room, stupid me. How the hell can you sleep on that uncomfortable couch and have good sleep?
El: I'm not particular..not choosy..and most of the time, I worn myself so tired..I just doze off..I guess..
Sam: El, call me busybody, or whatever, as a friend whenever I am in your place, you say I do not smile often. How can I when I can sense you are not happy, you are always trying to make others happy, I can tell from your face that you are troubled but don't know what. It is not the case of being particular, sleep is so bloody important and that explains your eyebags. Whatever you do, you cannot deprive yourself of good sleep. Wearing out yourself to sleep is not the answer. What are you sacrificing your life for, is it worth it? You only live once.
El: I have been so depressed and down so badly for the past months or even a year.. till dunno when..I just can't control that sadness hits me too often.. I'm trying my best to drown it with my work..or I'll just be sad and depressed.. Hope you can understand.. not many people know.. My job is the only happiness that seems to give a pretty surface what other people see and envy..thinking that I'm successful and doing a great job I enjoy..but not many people know what's beneath it..behind it..and what it means to me..
I don't seem to have a life..no one around to hold a hand when i really do fall..I don't even have a home to go back to. My studio and my work is my only life..that eventually i need to end it and build a new one somewhere else..or maybe doing something else..
I'm like a bird, trying to build a nest..with no tree around..
Sam..the couch I sleep on..eventually is the only warmth and comfort I feel every day. Thanks for your concern. I'm happy with it. The eyebags will be gone when I'm less depressed and sleep better..
I'm going to sleep..I think I'm catching flu again..cos i suddenly sneezed so much..good nite ya..^^
Sam: I do not mean to intrude into your private life, somehow I can sense you are not as what you portray yourself to be. For God's sake talk to me, can you treat me like a brother, I am always here, anytime you need help, I can see the tears in your eyes now. There are times when I email you that you deserve a better life because I can feel it, not what you have said to me, but how you try to appear to be happy.

...and so I cried...

El: Yes..that's the only thing I have..is myself.. If i don't try to make myself happy? Who will...
Sam: Bloody hell.. I feel so sad for you, just tell me how I can help.
El: No matter what or how a person is, everyone deserves to be happy..yes.. But some just won't get that happiness..It's a fate I have to live with. I'll just be happy seeing other people happy instead..
Smile for me, Sam..and I'll be happy..
I'm happy just to know that there are people who care and feel for me..I'm thankful for that..
Sam: I am lost for words, for God's sake get some good sleep, good nite.
I promise you 2012 is gonna change things around for you. Hold on!
El: Thank you for giving me faith..I wish you the best too..always... Good nite Sam..Hugss..

*

I cried...
At some point, I wanted to say..

"I don't believe in God, Sam..From my point of view, honestly..you are more real than any God..because whenever I call, you answered..God never did..Whenever I need someone, I know you're right there..He won't be.. Thanks for being there, Sam..Your presence is real..your heart is felt..your faith kept me strong.. Thank you.."

..but i didn't say it..the tears have blurred my eyes..I couldn't type anymore.

It's amazing how a friend would ask..question..say things..and care.. Some friends out there..so thoughtful, caring and warm to the heart..They'd sent me sms..e.mails and they're all over my facebook wall, swarming messages into my inbox..even treat it like their memo..But somehow, I'm feeling like..I'm screaming love in the cave right here..scream my lungs out..but there's no echo..
How come..?
It's just happened too often..and I keep hoping..trying..harder and harder.. At some point, it makes me feel so tired..I don't want to have to do anything anymore to beg for a little attention..beg for a little bit of love..warmth and care from someone who's supposed to share these feelings with me..just little things like these..not money..not a house..not a car..not that nice dress, jewels, bag or shoes that blings from that window..not even to be right here to wrap me in his arms..hold me tight and give me warmth and protect me..but just a feeling..Feeling that I'm not alone..the feeling like there's an energy that helps me get by..gives me strength and faith..even though there ain't any promise as it's supposed to be..no future..not even a picture..no words..no ground.. It's like I'm sailing without a compass..with nothing around me but a thin line of horizon.. It's whether I'd hold my head up and follow the sun..or when the huge wave slams over, I'll drown without knowing how deep is the depth of the ocean beneath..

Well..as far as i could only dream..how I wish that eventually one fine day, someone would give me strength and faith to hold on to love..and say to me like Alex did..

"Don't worry, Kate, we'll be together in time..even if we're far apart..I'll find a way to be close to you..and take care of you.." ~ The Lake House

The wind stood still..my boat is spinning..I guess it's just about time..I have to accept..that love's just ain't there..absent..out of reach...
Keep paddling..keep sailing..I want to go home..but where is land..?..where is home..?..which direction?..tell me.. But there's nothing..just thin air..and I'm still breathing...

I miss you, my Diary..
Faith...