When Love Ain't Love...

Stepping outside the picture..outside of the frame..and out of the line, I'm writing this. I was asking myself if I should, but something tells me 'yes'..
When Soo said to me the other day, "Love itself..is selfish.."..to me, it wasn't anything surprising at all. It isn't. I've seen far too many cases..when love itself could be so selfish..and greedy too.
Li Teng told me that day, "I was just flirting with this guy from US in the 'forum', but so it happens that he is so loving and caring. Now I'm so hooked up with him. I'm not ready to let him go."
"How about Vince? He don't know anything about this, doesn't he?" I asked her..almost feeling a little sarcastic.
"Hehehe..of course not." She said almost without any sign of guilt on her face. "And this guy from Hong Kong..he is still hanging around, treating me like his girlfriend though he already knows that I have Vince!"..she added..
Whow...!! O.o ..See what I mean..?
She loves herself so much, enjoying all the love and company provided..though she did said that..she loves all the three of them and she don't know how to choose. But all these fireworks she is enjoying out of selfishness and greed..this ain't love at all. At the end, no one would be feeling more foolish than herself.
In my mind, at the moment.. I was imagining..
"This girl.. is adding more and more dynamite into the bamboo..and keep pushing it so hard and tight. she have no idea when the lead's been light up, the whole thing could blow right there and she could lost all her ten fingers!"
Remember the bamboo cannon during Hari Raya..? That is a good example. An example of immature thinking and behavior..an example of how having too much fun can lead you into a disaster you can never imagine. Well..that also depends on who and what you're messing with.
In a slightly different example, There was Kenny. Out of selfishness and greed, he was already with another girl for so long..and yet, he wouldn't break the relationship with Jane just because he is not ready to let her go yet..though deep inside, it's all over so long ago. Maybe his relationship with the new girl is not as firm and as secure as to be declared openly to public just yet. But he was still doing all the possible things that a couple was doing.. all the while..yet keeping things from her so perfectly like a top secret before he finally torn the relationship with her and 'draws the curtain'.
How could he enjoy doing such a thing out of selfishness and greed for his own happiness and comfort? Is there anything more hurtful than this..??
The truth is.. there is! ..and there are..!
In this case, "Love me..love you not.."..?..yes..most likely..
And everyday, she is praying that there won't be anything much worse coming her way..

Sundance In The Rain..

Sundance in the rain
helplessly in vain
I fell far as deep
couldn't fall asleep.
*
Sundance in the rain
I could have felt the pain
no matter how far I run
I'd be there.. stunned.
*
Sundance in the rain
let them go again
I couldn't explain
the sun is gone..
here I am..
left out in the rain..

~21st Oct, 1998~

Somehow, I've always enjoyed the rain..though at times..it could make me feel so sick.
"Pity the next guy who comes along.." Frankie said.."It's like The Great Wall Of China you've built in there. How to break it to get into your heart??"
Hahaha....! Don't blame me, ok. I didn't ask for such precious experiences. Maybe there won't be any 'next guy' coming along..or I'd rather have no one than another heartbreaker..(lol..!!) Or maybe he should train himself like an icebreaker.
"Yo..! Keep workin'..keep diggin'..! The treasure chest is buried deep down under..more than 6 long years of frozen layers of ice. Just keep in mind that the chest might be empty..or there might be another torn aged map that'll eventually lead you to nowehere...hahaha..!" >.<
"Stop it..stop it.. this is not your 'imagination..free roaming' zone..."
"Yes..Frankie.. Ergh....!!" ^.~

Coffee..Tea..and Me...

When my days and nights are so often packed with nothing but work, the only time that I really do enjoy every day is my break for a cup of warmth and aroma. Yes.. coffee and tea always keep me warm, relax and makes me think.
I was talking to Soo one night over some coffee in the studio cafe..enjoying each other's company..sharing ideas and point of views as always..and I heard the sigh in between the lines. Clearly..it's one of those unpleasant days at home again. Aww...
With his brows raised..and a little surprised, he asked,
"How did u know..?"
I simply replied with a smile,
"It's not that hard..I just listen... with my heart.."

Listen

Listen ..
when the morning sunshine sings
when the birds chirping for the birth of a new spring
singing how beautiful a life could bring..
*
Listen..
to the rhythm when the raindrop falls
for the dark winds whoozing for the rain they call
for they heard the deepest voices from thy wall..
*
Listen..listen with thy heart
to the soothing sounds of the shallow stream
for the flows of the tales thou have not seen
for the rush of a danger when it screams..

~17th May, 2010~

"Love itself..is selfish.." he said.. "..and so does everyone else.."
Why so? Because you want to have everything of him/her to yourself, to spend lots of time with you, all the attention, thoughts, etc.. and never share. _ Don't get the wrong idea here. 'Sharing' doesn't mean 1 boyfriend between 2 girlfriends, or maybe even more..or vice versa. I don't approve such behavior. I guess, honestly..no one would.
Suddenly, it came across my mind to ask him some questions, to remind him of the love he have, the love he have had, and the love he'd never lost. I remember asking him,"How'd you feel when you keep seeing guys being with her? Would you be jealous?" And he did say, "Yes..that's for sure.."
Wait.. Now let me ask you this.. "Would you rather know that she is surrounded with people who'd help her, love her and protect her..? ..or people who'd hate her, or even of a harm or a threat when you can't always be around for her to protect and to love her..? Or would you rather lock her away with her loneness in the dungeon of your jealousy..? Hmm..?? (..giggle..)
With a smile and a little giggle, he said, "Yeah..that's true..but I can't get to that level yet. It's difficult."
Well, when you love someone, you'd want her to be happy, safe around friends she could trust to protect and love her. And so..comes honesty and loyalty. It takes time for sure..to erase or at least hold back the jealousy. Even when you say that you can, how would you actually feel deep inside your heart? It takes time, and hell lot of trust and honesty u'know..
At the same time, at the back of my head, I was asking myself..can I do that..? Ermm...I don't know..really. I only know that, it does take time.. and if you've lost or betray that trust and honesty, it's over. Life goes on and I won't look back..(..unless it's a nice view.._lol..!)
Somehow, I'm so happy that I'm still able to stay close and be there for all my ex when they need me. 'They'...? Yes..all 3 of them respectfully..! I love them..and they do still love me, just in a different way. They have their family, wife and girlfriend..and I'm so happy for them. I'm glad that I'm able to be someone they could trust to listen to them, someone they could talk to, and someone who are able to help and work out those tangles in their mind when they're troubled and unhappy. We could talk about anything openly. Work, people, anything intimate...anything at all. And whenever I need them, they are always within reach. I couldn't be more thankful for that.
Though I may be one of those most busy buzzy bee..always on the run..always busy, but when needed, I'll always be there for a cup of coffee, or a little pot of fragrant chrysenthymum tea.

"I may not have the strength to hold you when you fall,
but my arms are always open when you need a little warmth..
Though my bony shoulders are none of a comfort,
but I'm always here to listen to the voice of your heart.."

So...are you free..? You wanna' have some coffee..? ..tea..? ..or me..? >.< (Eeeee.....!)