Addiction.

Addiction

I need coffee..

as early as the morning ray

an aroma to start my day.

I need coffee..

as I have my daily break

as I push through the hazards of life every day.

I need coffee..

to help me concentrate

as I work through night and day.

I need coffee..

to help me stay awake

when you come into my dreams..

keep messing up my thoughts.

But when coffee wakes my mind

it's the picture of you I'd always find..

then is when.. I realise..

It's only me..

addicted to coffee..

addicted to you..

-A dash of aroma-

3rd October,2008

Conscious..

Conscious..

I don't want to fall

but I can't describe at all

... the way I feel about you.

*

I don't want to fall

cos' I know you can't be there

... to hold me if I do.

*
I don't want to fall

cos' I know...

I can never be the one you belong to.

*

But when my heart feel sore

when you walk out that door

... that's when.. I keep telling myself,

"Honey, you can't fall..

cos' you know well..

what will you become..

..If you do.."

-written in memories of love-

2007

*

In A Quest For Friendship..

I have a pen friend, and the only one I have.. for 15 years now. Ngah Chiann is a girl with such a soft voice. That's how I always remember her. How we have got to know each other? Hmm... There's a piece of proof I still keep with me here... Wait...


Hmm...here it is. Evanie was my name then.. created just for this pen-pal thingy. And I still remember how my Dad have reacted to this stupid idea. It is not that I'm not proud of my Chinese name, it's just a nick name for such kind of use.. and for strangers I barely know, etc.
I'm not using this name anymore, but it's still in a part of my signature. And Ellie was given by some of my Malay friends who find my Chinese name hard to pronounce. Ellie sounds closest to Yan Lih, a respectable name which have strong and bold characters in the meaning. I love my Chinese name. And there is no better name I'd choose to have.. a name given by my late father.

*
This pen-pal thingy, It all started when I wrote a poem to the 'Talking Back" column in The Star newspaper. and was published on 15th January, 1993.. when I was at the age of 15.. not 16. It was written wrongly in the newspaper though.. Every time I went through this newspaper cutting that I still keep.. I'd have a good laugh at myself. 'Those were the years.. when I was writing this poem, I was 14, so young and innocent.' How much do I understand about life and future then? It's written in the poem. Even the house address does not exist anymore. The old kampung house have been demolished about 2 years ago to make way for an Indian temple.

Its a Secret

I saw a light way across the sea

sparkling like lots of secrets to tell me

it makes me longing for it

and keep trying hard to reach it.

But on the way to get it

I've got challenges to beat

cause we can't get anything straight away

and good things won't stay.

So I decided to do what I should do

I'll feel what I should feel

and I'll go the way I should go

cause present will pass

and the becoming will be

...the future.

-a vision of secrets-

at the age of 14

...This poem was written in a vision of some secrets in the future. I was working in Langkawi Island 4 years later after high school.. and it's when I was walking along the beach one night..I saw..there was a light way across the sea.. a light from the fishing boat.. far out at the sea. At that moment, I felt exactly how I felt whan I was writing this poem 4 years ago. And after all these years.. it have been proven.. how I have struggled through lots of challenges in my life. And that was the secret.. a little vision I have had.

*

Back to my pen-friend, Ngah Chiann.. now a good friend of mine.. She was one of more than 20 pen-pals who have wrote in at that time. And after all these years.. she's the only one I have keep in touch with, first with letters.. after some years, we started talking through the phone.. and then when I came to college in KL in 1996.. we made a plan and met at 1Utama.. that's when there was only the old wing.. and the way to get there was by exchanging 2 busses from Taman Melawati. It's too expensive travelling by taxi as a student.. and LRT was only completed in 2002 or so.. I drove to Kepong to see her, though once in the blue blue moon since I have my own car.. and we have been in touch in these recent years with e.mails and msn...
Ngah Chiann is one of my truly loyal friend who have been with me all along..all through these years.. Ngah Chiann, Yeat Yue and some of my good friends since childhood...Friends such as they are... they're like some 'good wine under the moon'...once in a while. No matter how busy and how forgetful I might get at times because of the busyness of life and work.. I'd still take some time to remember and recall the memories..once in a while. And here.. I'd like to dedicate this page to all of them..especially Ngah Chiann...

"Thanks for being my friend all these years.. and may we have many..many years to come.."

*

Beautiful Sunday Dream...

Under The Soft White Sheets...(Beautiful Sunday Dream...)

Lingering on my bed

I saw you smiling back at me

a morning greet with my husky voice

warm embrace and a passionate kiss..

feeling your fingers on my curves

and your warm breath at my ear

feeding each other with so much love

oh.. how I wish that you are here.

_With memories as fresh as the morning air

I dream about you and me

the wildest nights we've ever had

under the silky soft white sheets..

-in the dreams of love-

July, 2008

*

Cinta Jauh Di Bayangan...

Cinta Jauh Di Bayangan...

Jika cinta boleh dibicara

takkan hatiku kau lukai.

Jika hatiku bisa berkata

tidak ku menunggu dikau mengasihi.

Cintaku...

hanya bayangan di hatimu.

Kehadiranku...

hanya hiasan jauh di suatu sudut matamu.

Hatiku...

kau selubungi awan-awan kelabu di bawah langitmu.

Kini,

ku membawa diri

kembali mewarnai hidupku

merasai rentak irama setiap langkahku

dicerahi mentari di langit biru

dibayangi lagu-lagu cinta di sebalik senyumanku..

-hasil karya kenangan cinta-

15hb Julai, 2008

*

Great Expectations!

'Expectations'. How many of you can explain, what it means..what it brings, and most of all..what it does?
A dear friend of mine is struggling financially and could hardly live up to his pretty wife's expectations.
Some friends of mine have been complaining that they have been working like hell to make it up to their bosses' expectations.
"What does she expect? I'm not perfect!"
Yes...you're darn right!
"What do they expect? We are not super powered!"
That's a line I often hear. Yes..yes..yes...my dear friends..Darn right! Exactly!
And just recently, one of my friend complained,
"...are women all like that? ..expect and expect and expect..."
Huh...?? (..gulp!.)
Yo! Hold it.. right there..! Who da' heck expecting anything from you here? Don't flare your temper just yet.. unless you wanna' spoil your own day..or grow old faster..ok.. Gosh! I don't know...May be something I have said or done.. Then..I held a few steps back..almost instantly!
Sigh...
Ya..But as for some people..you can never blame them for placing high expectations to make sure the jobs turn out fine..so that they would get the results that they want.. and so forth...and so forth...
As for husbands and wifes, spouses and friends..or whatever roles you're playing there, please la...don't place too high of an expectation on others...till at times, the person feel suffocated.. and feels like wanna' jump off the roof of the 13th floor!! Expectations are to be there.. but not too much la...ok. Mercy me! (..giggle..)
But from another point of view... let me put it this way. Yet..expectations are to be there..ok. Look at the positive side, my friends.. If your spouse never expect anything from you, but from another.. What would it look like? Your marriage seems like a 'gone case'. Got what I mean?
My dear friends, if there ain't anybody expecting anything from you, wouldn't it seems like you have nothing to offer.. or none of a use? Or when somebody says,
"You can't expect anything from her..."
..what would it sound like? Pathetic la..don't you think? Another 'gone case'. (lol..!)
I have been living my life with full of difficult people around me. Their expectations can really be something like a 'hanging rope'. The more you complain.. the more you're gonna' weight yourself down.. and you're definitely gonna' die.. So, push yourself up a little and work it out positively..and you're gonna' survive just fine!
I remember when I was in primary 1, I have once tried asking my Pa for a new school bag, because I have only been using an old one from my elder sister.. and my Pa said,
"If you get all As, I'll get you one."
I did brought home my Report Card and showed him all the straight As I've got, but then he said,
"If you get all 100 marks, I'll get you one."
Thinking back, I would have said the same as any of you,
"Walau eh...! I'm not a Super Girl le...!" (lol...!!)
But think again.. If not because of his super high expectations, I may not have studied so hard and got straight As! All through my 26 years of life when he was alive, his expectations of me were none the less.. and I have been doing all the best I can possibly be..to survive with that kind of 'hanging rope' around my little neck. Gosh! But look at me now! I'm thankful to my Pa..ok.
When I step out into the society and work, my bosses can expect more of me and I can always deliver. But in fact.. I have always been the one who often expect more expectations from the boss! Gees..!! What da' heck of a society is this..? Isn't my life interesting?
This is how I choose to look at it. So, bring out your positive thinking.. and work it all out with your positive attitude. It's not the end of the world. Life can be pretty much interesting! How would you choose it to be? How would you expect? Well, think about it!

Moral

Beware of too sublime a sense

of your own worth and consequence!

The man who dreams himself so great,

and his importance of such weight,

that all around, in all that's done,

must move and act for him alone,

will learn, in school of tribulation,

the folly of his expectation.

-written by William Cowper-

1731-1800

*

Have You Got Art...?

What time of the year is this? There's a whole bunch of people that I know..having such a hell of a time with simply anything you could think of.. Let's talk about nothing else but work here.
Work...work...work...
What is your profession? I'm a professional, also in a service line now, and I have to deal with all sorts of clients with all sorts of attitude. I teach as a part time basis, and I have to deal with my students' different attitude in order to be able to teach effectively.
My friend, Diego just said that he's working like hell in the office.. and he's looking for a job elsewhere. Soo is struggling to collect his payments. Jason too, is eyeing for another job, because he hates the office politics.. and the list goes on...and on...
I have been working in different companies too in the previous years. I have seen all kinds of things, but there's nothing that could stop me from working effectively and happily.
In Elba Group, I was chasing after my boss to make progress and pushed him to make some decisions to bring up his brand to a higher level. As the result, there was over 30% increase of overall sales in less than 5 months of the most quiet and down low season of the year! That was 10years ago when I was only a fresh grad.
I was with Puteh Enterprise when I stood up and argue with the boss who was messy and unorganised, and that have made all the workers feel sufffocated in the working environment. All the workers actually raised and clapped their hands when I'm done with my sound speech that have made the boss speechless.
When I was with British India Co., I was chasing after my superior and the boss to give me more and more work.
I have also been working with Kookai, M-Phosis, and also some other small boutiques. But I resigned from all these jobs and companies with only 1 reason.. that is bacause I wanted to do more.. and never because of anything else. Office politics couldn't stop me.. difficult and messy bosses wouldn't stop me.. sexual harrasment in the office couldn't stop me.. jealous colleagues wouldn't stop me.. even hot headed explosive tempered superior couldn't stop me.. Nothing can stop me from doing my job, deliver..and see a clear positive result!
Wonder how the hell I have been doing my job? For me, it's very simple. I am a working person.. never leave my job undone.. always promise myself to make progress.. always be observant and ever learning.. evolve fast and effectively.. always be a helpful team-mate to push up a strong team work.. hmm... What else? Sounds complicated? Let me make it more simple for you.. 'POSITIVE THINKING' Yes! That's all I need.
I am a person without any luck. All sorts of experiences have made me what I am today. Believe me. Let me share with you a little experience.. something that happens to flash back into my memory just a while ago..

*

It was when I was with British India Co., back in 2004. It's quite a big and established company. I was working in the Merchandising department. One of the senior of that department then was such a pain in the a**. Anyone working there would have agree the same. But that was nothing to me. It was the head of the Drafting and Production department next door.. who was so much worse than a devil..and that was according to everybody there.
What is so special about this particular lady? Well, she is someone too much of a perfectionist..never satisfied with anybody. A great job only deserve a little nod of her hot tempered head.. never smile. And when she was so often not satisfied, almost the whole floor could hear her screaming. And then.. we can see her 'little soldiers' working with shaking hands and ever fast walking but trembling feet. Some were even teary in the eyes. At times I can see one or two of them crying while continue working. Such a pity..
I was then still a new staff, less than a month..and I have already start admiring this lady. "Amazing!" I would say, "..how she could flare her temper and attitude. She didn't even realise how ugly she look in all other's eyes! Isn't that amazing?" (lol..!!)
One fine day.. I just couldn't stand her voice piercing into my ear with that buzzing sound anymore.. every day. It was only during my lunch hour.. and I have already finished all my work for the day..as like any other day. Then, I decided to spend some time doing a little thinking while sketching and checking e.mails. I said to myself, with a wide smile,"Hmm...here's something I got to do tomorrow. Oo...This got to be so exciting!"
The next day came.. After lunch, I have done all my work.. and I was waiting... Waiting for what? Waiting for that amazing lady to amazingly flare her temper again! Yes! That was exactly what I was doing!
In less than an hour right after lunch, there she was.. the super active volcano explode again! I was then..took a deep breath..and walked next door to the Drafting and Production department...
"Ms. Lim! What's happening?! You've just sent me a shock with your voice so loud!" I said to her, smiling and half giggling, giving her a little bit of an innocent look in the face.
All the girls there were looking at me in disbelieve.. almost shocked. There were girls from other departments came peeping, wanted to know what's going on.
"What are you trying to do here, little girl? This is not your department." she said to me, trying to sound calm while still feeling hot with her temper in her head.
"I'm here to help. I have finished all my work back there. Why is it so messy in here? Too much of work and too little help..I guess?" I added.
"No. This is none of your business..and you're LayBee's girl. I have no right to give you work." she said, "Go back to your place."
"Oh, it's ok. LayBee is not in for the day. I have finish my stuff and I am so boring..got nothing to do. You're holding the highest position here, and nobody will dare to say anything. Anything occur, I can answer to LayBee. Don't worry. It's nothing bad I'm doing. And I know all your work here. I can easily do it. Come on. Just shoot. Anything!"
She was thinking for a while before saying,"Ok. Come. Do this for me..."
...and so it have started...
She was explaining to me.. quite fast in her speech..and I said,
"Ms. Lim. Can you please talk slower ah?"
And right at that moment, she raised her voice again,"You listen carefully la! You wanna do the work or not?!"
Then I answer to her in a friendly tone, smiling,
"Sure I want! But aiyo..you don't have to raise your voice ma..I'm just right beside you. I can hear clearly. Don't scold la.. You could grow old faster le.."..and I'm still giving her a smile.
Then she explained again with a lower tone, and this time a bit slower.
Hm...that seems to work..
At that moment, I can see that all the girls were hiding their face, burst out laughing. Kim Peng, her assistant, ran and hide at the back of the shelve and laughed..till even Ms. Lim herself could hear her. Right there..at that moment.. I was clenching my teeth..hard..trying not to even smile. This is not a joke that I was tring to play..not al all.
It was when I was doing the work given..and suddenly..
"Hey! Not like this! I told you..and u never listen carefully! Like that.....!" Oh..my..There she is again..raising her voice.
Then I answered,
"Okay! Right away! But Ms. Lim, I'm trying to do it in a more effective way. Be patient la..Don't look at me and scream right from the back of my neck... Scare the hell out of me..then you got my hands shaking..and my feet trembling.. How am I gonna do my work and deliver?"
Then she smiled...step away.. and get back to her seat. I did gave her the result that she wants. When that day was done, there were all smiles. I have done something that nobody have ever dare to do before..and I have made a huge difference.
From that particular day onwards, things changed..the whole Drafting and Production department have changed..and the working environment of the whole floor have changed.

*

What I want to share with you is... Do you dare to make that step for a change? How badly do you want a change? How positive could you ever be? And when you have done your thinking...just make that move!
I have always remember the words from my Pa,"The Art Of Speaking." When he first said it, I was thinking..what did he possibly means? As time goes by, I have observe and learn...and still learning... How about you?

Heaven Can't Wait...

It was the day before... I was having an evening break as usual in the studio, sitting on the sofa.. holding a log book with a piece of A4 paper on top of it.. and a pencil slipped in between my fingers of my right hand.. As I just close my eyes, I dreamt of Pa again, but this time with a vision I never had before... It wasn't only a vision.. because I almost felt exactly how he felt...

Heaven Can't Wait...

It was one fine morning

but Daddy feels ain't right

cos' the birds ain't singing

and the strays are out of sight.

*

Breakfast seems unpleasant

the coffee wasn't thick

heart beats heavy as he turned

the change he didn't bother to take.

*

Daddy felt it's hard to breathe

as he parked and closed the gate

it's clearly not the coffee..

not the breakfast that he ate.

*

As Daddy gasp his last breath

his whole life flashes by

love ones were all out of reach

couldn't even say goodbye.

*

"Yan Lih..please take care of Mommy for me

though her love for me has gone

for I am thankful.. she should have seen

when all of you were born.

*

Pass my message to Ah Jie

her temper ain't doing good

do take good care of herself out there

and get covered when it's cold.

*

And Daddy feels so sorry, Yan Lih
for the things Daddy have said and done
Daddy knows you're angry, honey
with your strong will and patience.. you've put it all behind.
*
Do take care of yourself and be happy
the only thing Daddy took from you
Daddy loves you none the less, honey
and you know you feel it too.

*

Remember to be strong and hold on
when all else are falling apart
for you're the one with the arm so strong
conquer it with the love in your heart."

*

As the last breath sigh out of Daddy

his heart was heavy to let go

"Heaven can't wait..honey

Daddy have to go..."

-vision in a dream..-

7th July, 2008

...he wanted to talk to me, but I couldn't be there for him.. With that, I was awaken breathless and almost choked.. because I couldn't help it..I couldn't stop crying...I could imagine if I was there when he was about to go, I could have cried even worse than I've had yesterday..or any day....
"Pa.. I did what I have to do with Mom and Sis, and they're both fine now. As for the rest.. I'm still struglling to hold this family together. This responsibility, I will bear.. because 'it's ain't heavy, it's my family..'. I know I will always have your blessing as how you have your faith and trust in me. Thanks Pa..I will always..always remember..."

Love.. Came And Gone...

How many times have you experience love? A love you just fell into.. a love that makes you feel that, "..this is it.."..and you feel like you'd give it all.. for this relationship. One moment, you're feeling the warmth and happiness.. but you woke up one day and found it completely over and left you almost drained. And there you'd go..starting all over again.. over.. and over again...
Here is another 'sajak' in Bahasa Malaysia. It's about love..came and gone...

Indah Wangi Pepohon..

Pepohon bunga putih

air mata berlinangan.. sedih

mungkin dilukakan

tak mungkin dapat dilupakan.

*

Dia kemari,

keindahan dipetik dibawa pergi

keharuman disia.. sepi

janji pepohon dibajai.. jua dimungkiri.

*

Pepohon bunga putih

hanya dedaun tiada seri

kau ditinggal lagi

kepiluan dirasai sendiri

sendiri.. dan sendiri lagi

mekar bebungamu hanya di hati..

-written in the lost of love-

date unknown..

.....and here is an English version of a poem with meanings almost the same as the 'sajak' above..

By Her Window..

She feels the wind by her window

we can see her eyes full of sorrow

could be some pictures in her mind

couldn't leave it all behind.

*

They used to come to her window

took all she have and they'd go

had her trust.. and all she could give

tell her lies.. and leave.

*

There she is again by her window

with her alone is only sorrow

what she wants.. it doesn't show

but no more those who come..

...and then go..

-written on 5th September, 1998-

There's a voice.. always reminding me in my head.." The world is still spinning every little second, and life have to go on." One relationship after another... It's like one whole story after another. Lessons learned.. hard.. and I have moved on.. on.. and on again. Experience were precious... and all that.. I have brought forward to write the next chapter of my life. Yes.. it is my will..and only mine..whether to write, decorate, or paint it with the colors and hues of love... the love that have never dies...in my heart..

"Nobody loves you better than you love yourself.." -favourite quote-

Dreams Come True..

How often do you dream..or have a dream? Generally, ambitious dreams, beautiful dreams, day dreams, sweet dreams,..and maybe nightmares too.. hm.. What else..?
I think, there aren't a single being in this world who never had a dream. I've even seen my dog, many times, staring up at the mango tree with ever wondering eyes..almost smiling.. But there's nothing up there! No birdies, no squirrels jumping up and down..nothing! And when she shifted her sight from the tree down to the ground, she gave a deep sigh! When I said to her, "Gigi...You're dreaming again!" She smiled at me. Amazing!
Growing up in a small family, in a small 'kampung' house, in a small village, i guess, almost everything else is restricted. Being the youngest in the family isn't always a pleasant experience. Even the space to express myself is pretty much..err...none.. Or should I say, 'not allowed'. Then.. is when all the self development begins.
I still remember, it was during one of my primary years back at school, we were asked to write down the 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice of our ambitions and the reasons why. By the end of the class, everyone have writen down all their 3 choices.. but my paper was still empty. When the teacher ask me why.. I replied,
"How can I decide so soon, without seriously thinking? This is not a game or a joke, isn't it?"
...and I still remember her expressions upon hearing my words. She was surprised..frowned for a second, then raised her brows and smiled at me with a sigh.. and she said,
"Just write down anything that comes across your mind la.."
Then I said, "I want to be a teacher."
She asked me why..and I said,
"Because that's the most noble profession and beneficial to the society."
The teacher asked again, "The 2nd one?"
I said, "Perhaps an astronomer.."
..and she asked, "Why?"
I answered,
"..so that I can reach for the stars and take a good look at the earth from afar."
After a few seconds looking at me, she asked,"..aha.. And the 3rd one?"
I said, "Maybe an artist."
"And why is that?" she asked.
"I can paint all my beautiful dreams lo.. " I answered.
"Hm..Good!" she said.. "Write them down and pass it to me..now!"
I was writing for a while before I ask her,
"Teacher. How to spell astronomer ah?"
Then she gave a sigh and said,
"Aiyo.. You go home..and look into the dictionary la.. Tomorrow only pass the paper to me. Now everyone want to go home..ok."
Then.. I was only to realise.. the whole class of students were looking at me with a puzzled look.. almost frowning. I was almost reluctant to say "Goodbye Teacher". I think "Thank you, Teacher" would sound more appropriate, because she is the best person whom I can direct all sorts of questions to. At times, I'd ask and ask till the teacher feels tired of answering. (lol...) Eh..annoying her is never my intention, ok..
Everyone have had dreams when they were little.. and I still do..at times. It's only that.. when we grow up, things changed, situations changed, people changed, the whole world has changed..and still changing...

Dreams All Over The Ocean

I've had dreams in the broad daylight

I've had dreams in the restless nights

and those demons around me

haunting me as i break free.

*

And so I wrote a message in a bottle

where I penned my dreams, huge and little

flung it out to the waves

not knowing where shall it heads.

*

Days and years passes me by

fears and tears, they're running dry

haunting demons were lessen

wild wishes and dreams forgotten.

*

Those were the winds.. I guess

however.. they did not suggest

broke my dreams into pieces

sent them all to the fishes

as they swam all over the ocean.

-written on 20th October, 1998-

...somehow, my dreams and ambitions aren't too far in difference with what I'm currently doing. I do teach as a part-time job (though not much of a noble thing), loves travelling and see the world, and I was a Textile Artist who painted my dreams on fabrics, now a Fashion Designer who put beautiful dreams into my creations, and also a Stylist, Costumes and Make-Up Artist who can make dreams come true! And most of all, I love what I do!
Am I not a fortunate one? Yes..I definitely am... and that takes some courage to even dream about it in the first place..let alone making my first step.
There is no doubt if I am known as a "Dreamer" among my family members and also some of my old friends who knows me well. Being a person who dare to dream..have brought me far. Though I often silence myself in a corner, thinking hard.."like a guy", a friend of mine once said, and so..I have become a person very much in touch with my inner self and deep, deep feelings.
I can't keep a plant growing well and lushes green. I guess I'm not so gifted with my hands after all. But it is amazing how things can grow so beautiful and positive in my mind at times.. in my dreams.. and so it affects my daily life. This is actually how I keep myself happy and alive every day. Try it.. and you'll be different!

They Tell Me...

Have you ever felt so strongly towards something in just a vision that happens to flash by? ..something that, somehow, you know that it is far from reality..at that moment.

One fine evening... somewhere out there..the wind have sent me a message, a vision so clear..as I close my eyes, I breathe in.. deep... And as I opened my eyes so slowly when I exhale..there was a smile on my face..right there..at that moment, there was a drop of tear just enough to run down my cheek..with none of a reason I never know till this very moment.

With my arms wrapped around my shoulder, feeling the wind brushing my face.. I was thinking to myself..Well, maybe it's just another funny way of an inspiration coming through...

*

They Tell Me...

When I gaze upon the sky

there'd be rain, much expected

and the dampness of the wind that touches my skin

they tell me,

there's one thing now I'm sure

I'm sheltered.

*

When I look at the clouds

there would be storm

and the breeze that threatens to chill

they made me realise,

there's so much more..I have not lost

I have them still..they're safe with you.

*

Then I look into your eyes...

deep...

and they tell me,

I don't need to take cover

when I have them inside your arms,

I don't need to shed no tears

when my days are filled with laughter,

and there is so much space

...to express

...to be free

...to be loved..

-a work of vision in the year of 1999-

*

There are lots of things that couldn't be explained.. and yet, you do enjoy the feeling of it.. A feeling that you just can't find, but it comes..hitting right through when you least expect. And it does leave mark..as like a book mark..slipped right there in between the pages of your diary...

The Maniac Quit Smoking!

Are you smoking? Do you have any friends or family members who smoke? Sure you have..

With a joking manner, I often ask my friends who smoke,

"Why are you killing yourself? Are you having such a hell of a life that you want to throw away your precious money and kill yourself slowly that way?"

They would only answer,

"It's already become a habit.."

Then when I ask them again,

"And why are you killing me? Have I been cruel to you?...Why are you killing your friends faster than you kill yourself? I'm inhaling all these awful smoke of yours u'know... Is it also a habit of yours being a killer?" ..aha.. it does start to sound serious..(giggle...)

Then, they'd give a second thought.. Most of them would never smoke at my pressance, but there's the one and only, the meanest among my friends...

*

It was at the beginning of our college life, back in mid of 1996. Among 15 of us in the double storey house converted into a student hostel.. there were 7 girls and 7 boys, and on the 3rd day of college.. came the 15th, a tom-boy who have given everyone else a puzzle in their mind.. whether she's a lesbian or straight. Yes..!! That was the unpredictable Ellie Ng..(lol...!!) But among all 15, Frankie Lim was the meanest maniac who often care less..so full of his pride and attitude.. just enough to annoy almost every girls there.

"Oye!! Frankie!! How could you teach all the others how to smoke?!"

I still remember how I have raised my voice at him for the most terrible thing he was doing.

"Ey...I never force them wo..."

He answered.

Errgh......this maniac...!

One night, as usual, I was doing my homework upstairs at the guys' study area, I saw Kevin.. still practicing how to smoke. (..thanks to our Mr. Frankie Lim..) Kevin was mumbling and complaining to himself..looking so awfully down in his mood..dwelled so deep in his thoughts..trying to figure out the idea for his graphic design project. I was looking at him with a smile in my heart..in complete silence..having a strong instinct that something was about to happen..I was then, trying to step in his shoes.. and wonder... And so...

Smokey Chokey!

Life's a hectic, I must say

out of a busy, lonely day

learning that I'm nobody

to compare with everybody.

*

Reaching home with emptiness

feeling rather hopeless

searching for a dim light

to make everything bright.

*

Then I reach for the little box

and I gave it a little knock

out a cigarette I took

light it up and smoke

..ahak! ahak! I was choked.

- 17th August, 1996-

With that funny title for the poem, you can actually imagine how funny I was feeling at that moment ...and I just couldn't help laughing at him.. so loud, "..ha..ha..ha..! Of all the good things in the world, you choose to learn how to smoke!" That's what happened to Kevin.. our funny guy.

Sigh...Frankie.. In more than 10 years of knowing him..I have seen him changed.. from a college rebel..to a fine young man. He have become more mature in his thinking, excel in his profession... but yet still smoking! Gosh! All my advise for him.. all these years..just went 'up in smoke' with his habit.. that seems to have grown as solid as a rock! So stupborn!

Somehow, a miracle happened! It was about this time..last year.. the meanest maniac have quit smoking! Just one useful warning from the doctor,

"This endless cough of yours is a sign of lung cancer from your excessive smoking..."

...and so, Frankie have quit smoking in just one week!

Yes! 1 week!

"Wow...! Frankie!! Frankie!! Frankie buddy...!! You've finally did it! Congratulations! Ahhh......!!! I'm so happy for you!!"...I said to him so happily..almost jumping up and down.. (..ehem.. that's a bit over reacted, doesn't it?) I was too surprised and happy to hear it straight from him...and I gave him a big hug for that. Thanks to the doctor.. his one piece of good advise.. and my friend is now a much healthier person. Isn't that great?!

To, Kevin, Khee Hong, Ah See, Wah Chai, Ah Siang and Tarzan...

"..our Frankie have quit smoking! How about you guys?"

*

...(lol..!!) My dear friends.. Please do think more than twice when you're about to touch that cigarette. Don't throw your life and health away..'up in smoke'. "The maniac have quit smoking.. How about you?"

And as for dear Frankie.. I salute you! I will always love you as a good friend... love the way we tease and pinch each other... love the way we drive each other nuts... There is no other like my Frankie buddy... "Don't be angry, ok.. I dedicate this especially for you.." he..he..

Mimpi Dibuai Iramamu...

I love poetry, be it in English, Bahasa Malaysia, etc.. Here is one of the 'sajak' written in Bahasa Malaysia..written as I dream away with the sound of the music from the radio..

Mimpi Dibuai Iramamu

Inginku berada di bawah awan putihmu

membawa impian baru dalam senyumanmu

irama peti suara membuai mimpiku

merantau jauh kapadamu

Sayangku,

segalanya tiada membawa erti

selagi kau jauh dari sisi

isi hati ini

hanya kau yang mengerti.

-in memories of love-

written on 21st Aug, 1998.

Means *

Rocking my dreams with your tune

I wish to be sheltered underneath your white clouds

bringing new meaning to your smile

the tunes from the radio.. rocking my dreams

far over to you

My love,

the meanings of it all aren't clear

when you're so far away

what's in this heart

only you would understand.

Love In A Many Splendid Ways...

Have you ever wonder... how and why the closest relationship could turn so sour? I'm not talking about friendship. You can choose your friends.. say 'hi' or 'bye' whenever you like it or you don't. You can even choose your husband or wife, whoever you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. Somehow, divorce could be only a signature away or so.. But when it comes to someone as close as your own flesh and blood.. how'd you think?
Have you been in the situation where the relationship is so close and yet you feel that certain things have drag you too far away? Too far apart that you don't even know how to pull things back together..
My heart feels so sore lately... though things like these have been going on since god knows when.. but the hardest part is when you feel like it would go on forever.
I have a wonderful sister, the only person that I really adore and look up to. She is such a gorgeous..a genius who could just excel in whatever she lays her hands on.. be it her profession, performing arts, cooking.. whatever! And she have a good sense of style in fashion too! The only thing that have kept me worrying is about her attitude and temper. It is amazing how she could take things in a negative way.. and that often lead to an explosive temper.
Did I just say 'explosive'? Yes...I just did... and that is undeniably true.
My beloved sister is a dynamite on 2 legs. One slightest move.. and boom!! Disaster!... The funny thing is.. she never behave this way with the rest of the world.. and I do understand why...She only behaves like this with her closest family members.. those whom she trusts to understand her enough.. and so it happens that I'm the luckiest person in the world, the closest one that she loves the most (err.. I guess..), the only one she could turn to.. but just in an extraordinary way.
She is a person with her pride hidden away.. under her pillow where she lay and think so hard to herself every day. She never like to tell what happens in her life..her emotions..what she's been through.. but only to express her unhappiness in another way.. a way that no one could ever imagine.

*

"My dear sis..there is no need to question.. how much we love each other. But I have accepted the fact that we are yet two very different beings...different in opinions, attitude, characteristics..and almost everything. Why haven't you?
I am sorry that my piece of advise comes too direct at times. All my words for you have never meant to be mean, though it could hurt when I was just being honest. I do mean what I've honestly told you.. for a good purpose. But how often do you hear it from me anyway?
I am so sorry that in all these years, I have failed as a sister, fail to make you understand, fail to satisfy you, fail to make you feel happy, fail to make you feel proud to be my sister, fail to even make you feel that I do love you.. I have failed tremendously. And therefore, I'm feeling so sore in my heart, and I am sad.
Sis.. I don't mind being your 'punch bag'.. if that seems to be the only way you could let it all out of your chest.. the only way you could express. I can feel that it is hard for you too.. How you've been carrying such heavy loads of responsibilities on your shoulders, that is not much broader than mine..How you've been struggling all by yourself..half way around the globe from home. My worry is that... if one fine day..suddenly..I just happen to have to be away..far away for a long, long time...then, who could you turn to? Who could be there for you? The way you want.. the way you used to.. the way it have always been.. all these years..
No matter how harsh were the words you've thrown onto me...I'd swallow. No matter how ugly the names you've called me...I'd swallow. No matter how you've flared your attitude and temper...I'd swallow. No matter how endless..how it could make me feel so suffocated...I could still swallow. But please... when you ask me to stay away from you by all means...have you been thinking? When you ask me to stop signing out my messages with "I love you, Lt. Sis"...have you been thinking? At those times when you say, "I don't know how you could be my sister"...have you been thinking.. really, seriously thinking?
Let me tell you how I feel... It does sounds like..you don't want me in your life. It sounds more hurtful than any other ugly names in the world. And at times, the patience is hard to bear.
Dearest Sis.. for once.. and for an instance.. let me answer your doubt.
Because of 'fate'.. we are sisters. Because of 'fate'.. we are born to be so different from each other. Because of 'fate'.. I was born to have you by my side from the moment I open my blurry little eyes to see the world.. till the very moment of my last breath. Because of 'fate'.. we were meant to walk this life together.. be it sweet, sour, bitter..or whatsoever. For me.. you are the chosen one.. to be the only one.. who could be the only you... Because of who you are and how you have been..I am what I am today. You have done your part.. just as you are.. that have shaped me of what I am today.. And I am thankful to have you as my sister.. the one and only sister of flesh and blood.. and there is no one else in the world that I would choose to replace you. I would and I could always tell you loud and bold..."I love you, and I am your little sis. I don't mind walking another lifetime with you...over and over again. I just hate to have the 'war of words' with you in those many splendid ways."

*

And as for each and everyone of you out there, do be careful.. very, very careful.. that there are certain things that you shouldn't say, wish or even think in the corner of your mind. You never know what you've got till you lost it. And wishes do come true..you know.. Do not say, do, or even think of anything that will bring you to a state where you will truly regret. Believe me.. I have been there...
Be it any relationship, friendship or even merely acquaintance.. I believe.. they are the fated ones. Some will benefits you..bring you joy.. and more, while others would just drive you insane.. really put your patience to the test. They all happen ia a twist of fate... whether they are to walk with you through your life..side by side, or some behave like devils.. only to drive you up the wall, while some others will be just glancing or watching you from afar.. like a little angel.. only to give you a little dim light.. a little enlightment for your soul. But without their contribution..huge or little.. you wouldn't have become what you are. It is all up to you.. how you'd choose to look at it..take it..or leave it.
Well, I would choose to embrace it with my open heart.. and let love conquer it all. As I have said, love could also be like clouds.. that in a certain way, it will, unexpectedly, covers your sun and makes you give a sigh. With my hands on my chest.. and a smile on my face.. I'd take a deep breath.. and I keep telling myself.. love comes in a many splendid ways... and it's fate... As for the rest.. it's up to me to work it all out with my own bare hands...

Fate

No friendship without fate

that's what friends shall say

no love without fate

that's what lovers tell

cos' no one knows, nor words can say

not you or me but a word called..

..fate.

-written and dedicated to a friend in 1995-

With Love...

I'm another year older today! I'm so grateful that I have friends who still remember and wishes me well, though nowadays we seldom hang out as we used to.
A friend of mine called and wished me a week before, just because he's going away for a long vacation overseas.. and that he'll miss my Birthday. Aw... so nice... And a thoughtful housemate who brought me a piece of cake all the way to my office. I taste the sweetness all the way into my heart. There was a smile on my face as i take every little byte of it. As I thought to myself.."How wonderful life is..when love is in the air..." Again..my eyes were almost teary..
Everyone 's busy with their own things, and it reminds me how time flies. Some friends are married, some are staying at quite a distance away, some are staying near but couldn't even get a chance to meet for more than a year now, but they never forget me. Thanks to all of them. Though I have been busy as well.. they're always in my mind. Please forgive me.. for I have been too busy lately. Though I could be such a forgetful person at times...their pressance are always felt in my heart.
Long live our friendships! And may all of them be blessed with all they wish for.. and most of all..love...
I dedicate this to all.. with love..

Love Is...

Love is like air

you can't touch it but it's there

breathe it in to feel more than alive every day.

*

Love is like wind

sometimes comes light and brushes your hair

sometimes ferocious, disastrous with no care.

*

Love is like clouds

like patches of cotton, decorating your blue skies

or covers your sun and makes you give a sigh.

*

Love is like rain

sometimes drizzles and lushes your greens

or at times, it washes away your pain.

*

Love is like water

no matter how hard you try to stop the flow

it will find the way back and even stronger it'll grow.

*

Love is like you

right there in my heart no matter where I go

binding stronger and stronger as the seasons follow.

-written on 28th May, 2008-

For My Pa...

I have been thinking a lot about my Dad lately. 'Pa' is the name I used to call him, 'lou dau' would sounds much closer though a bit ill mannered, but now..I don't even have that chance to call him anymore..
My memories with Pa isn't always pleasant. I used to think that he is someone so hard to understand, stupborn and conservative. But after all these years trying to open my mind to accept my life as it is.. and trying to understand.. I somehow think Pa is like an old dictionary with all the words..as like all the lessons.. that you need to learn.."essential", I would say..You have to open it, flip and search through the pages to find the meanings and take some time to understand the usage of the words.. that isn't too hard actually.
Aren't most Fathers behave the same? They just have their own way to express their love.. that most of us just couldn't see till we've actually lost it. It is their pride, I would say... The pride that have made them the 'Father' as they are... The pride that have brought them far... made them stand tall and earned their respect..
I'd always respect my Pa as he was.. an example of a leadership I could never find elsewhere. He have always been the power that drives me.. pushed me so far till I have become what I am today.. and I am proud of it. Pa.. if only you could hear me...I'm sorry that I have been so late.. so late even to actually tell you how much I respect you and that I am thankful for the things you've done for me and this family.. Pa..this is for you..

Salute To My Pa..

Ever since I was little

I never have a teddy

"You don't need that to grow wiser"

Pa always said to me.

*

When I was at school

I wouldn't dare to fail a subject

I'm so afraid that if I do

Pa will pull the 'rotan' from his back.

*

I made my decision to art college

but I saw that sigh and frown

I said,"Let me make my choice...

Pa, I'll never let you down."

*

I struggled to be the best

as I step out and face the world

I often stand out of the rest

I wish Pa could see all my work.

*

As I look back through the years

the memories are strong as ever

lessons learned are really precious

"Thanks, Pa.. I'd never live a life of another."

-written on 9th June, 2008-

in memories of Pa

Fatherly love is often hard to see or understand. That's why..I'll always have my 'old dictionary' with me..as long as I live. It's 'essential', you know.....

In Love With...

I was quiet and shy since I was little. I guess that is why I don't have many friends. The best company I've ever had.. were all the books in the library. Legends, Folk Tales and Fairy Tales were my favourites.
I can still remember how I embrace the books as I walk home every time I have borrow them from the library. At times, I'd read them more than twice, till I forgot to return them when the date was due. As the result, I was not allowed to borrow any books on the following week. I'd then walk away with my teary eyes.. but guess what.. all through that week, I'd be running in and out of the library, spending every little time I've had.. reading on the floor in between the shelves. Lovely...isn't it? I seem to have fallen in love with the books in the library...!!(lol...)

The Nightingale's Sigh

Broken is my heart

as cold as the ice

bitter from the start

sold for none a price.

*

Squirrels earn their crops

Autumn's passing by

they couldn't see those teardrops

falling from my eyes.

*

Holy angels sing

wonder through the night

oh, when will church bells ring

and rushes me my knight..

-written in 1995-

.....though it's written years after, it's clearly seen.. where the inspirations came from.
It's about a princess, cursed to be a bird, a nightingale..away from her love. As seasons pass after another, she's yet to wait for her knight to come and free her from the curse..

Night...

Since at a young age, I have always realised how colourful is the life I'm living in, though it wasn't the brightest colours anyone might have imagined.. And so, I have learned to enjoy my solitude...
Almost every night..with only the dim light from the little kerosene lamp, through the shapes of my little fingers, I gazed upon the stars through the wooden 'kampung' house window, and let my imaginations running free.. to a place beyond dreams. Those were the nights, I have slowly found my inspirations to create the visions in my mind. And these visions have given me a strong urge to start writing. And finally, at the age of twelve, I have written my first poem...

Night

The darkness is here again

little birds shivering in fright

coz' no one come or ever aim

to change it into lovely lights.

*

What's so frightening at night..

is the owl singing those horrible songs..

or the vamps' when the clock struck twelve..

or just you who's frightening yourself?

*

But all I have to do at night

is to find the treasure in my dreams

coz' when I open my eyes

a brand new day will begin.

-written at the age of 12-

I always have a little laugh in my heart when I read this poem. It does somehow, reminds me how funny I was..fearless.. and I was only twelve!
The lines are all in a rhyme. I think it's because the first few books I just love to read again and again when I was little.. were the books of Nursery Rhymes.. All the pictures in the books were so colourful, beautiful and classically painted. There were funny pictures of The Three Blind Mice, Humpty Dumpty, Baa Baa Black Sheep... and so much more. I just love them...love the books.. love my solitude.. love the dreams.. love the nights.....

Those Innocent Years...

Ya...those were the years, when you were twelve or fifteen, so young and innocent... How much do you know about love then? As little as you've seen.. as simple as it is.. and as beautiful as it seems, doesn't it? Well.. as silly as it sounds...

Love

Love is to reach out for someone's hand

love means to understand

no secrets, no lies

true love never dies

when love begins

faces goes pink

because love means

everything...

-written in those innocent years..-

...(lol...) laugh all you might. But who haven't been through those innocent years..when puppy love could last for only a day or two? Maybe not.. But for those who have been through it all...isn't it such a wonderful feeling? When I take a journey down to Memory Lane..."Gosh! Those were the years...I forgot to enjoy!" (sigh.....)