End Of The World..?

Just when the whole season, the whole world have been talking about 'the end of the world' phenomenon that never happened.. as for some people, their world may have ended like a million times having so much sadness in their heart and filling all sorts of negativity all over their wall..all over their spaces..locking themselves in a space they couldn't get the courage and encouragement to step out of. I can totally relate..I was like that a decade ago...I'm old now....hahaha...!*(>~<)'   ..but there's a Facebook friend who seems more like he needs a good knock on the head..3 long years of messages..and still sounds like I'm talking to a well down deep "alllooo...oo...o...o..."..he's in too deep I guess...How da'heck did he fell in there..??!...aiyoo.....*(=o=)'
For the longest time now..I don't even remember, I thought that in my space, all is silent..all is gone..but suddenly, there were some words from a long time silent soul..the other day..just in time on such a sad day for me..that it seems so ironic..somehow, with this fury, frustration and sadness that comes altogether..so rare..on that particular day..so suddenly, I don't know how I should answer..
I was heartbroken..have been heartbroken..and maybe I still am...
I don't know how I should feel anymore..when one moment, I thought I was the happiest person in the world..and at another moment I was hurt so bad, feeling so sad..I felt like I have given up..but then suddenly, I was awakened by a message..some words..some little kindness that only replied after quite a long while over 8 weeks..just like a little flickering of light..and gone again..but then, what was that supposed to mean..? Just like before..I have been feeling abandoned and my presence is not really welcomed..
On another day..just when I was feeling so down and frustrated, I was suddenly relieved by a voice who care..but just as I was feeling better, there comes the same complain..Why does it have to be mentioned..?..many times.. And yet again..I can't help but feeling like I'm such a burden and nothing but a sense of unwanted burden to bear..
As I grow up, someone wise in my life used to often say..
"If you choose to leave, don't stay for nothing..If there's something you feel like a burden, that you feel that it's reaping off your notes in your wallet, rob you off your energy, time and even feelings..if it's so hard for you, don't do it. Don't do it and complain afterwards..Just don't. What's the purpose..? You'd just kill all the efforts and meanings behind it, because you make that person who receives feeling so bad..feeling like he/she would rather have nothing at all than to be a burden of any kind for anyone. At the end..things would turn out unhappy and sour after all.. If you are sincere of giving, don't complain afterwards..cos' somehow it shows that you are not so sincere even though basically you don't actually mean it that way."
I have always remember that.. But lately I have been feeling so suffocated..that some people are just not tired of abusing..Maybe I'm starting to feel tired of giving too..one of these days...
I don't want to be anyone's burden of any kind..don't want to take away anyone's precious time, attention, money or anything.. If you don't have the heart to be just a little generous..just once in a long long while when the moon seems the bluest of blue..then I'd rather not hope for anything at all..not from anyone at all..
There were times..most of the time, my complete silent would just means so much..only the truest of hearts among friends would make an effort to come with sincerity and try to understand with an open heart.. There were times..when they already know why I am the way I am..why the wall around my heart is getting higher, bigger and stronger.. that I have to abandon all feelings and reactions..be still and so cold..so that I won't feel like a roller coaster..in a drastic rise and fall of emotions..it could be so exhausting. I could almost feel my heartbeat in hold, so close to a stop..
hhhhhh................keep breathing, El.
Hold your tears..and keep breathing...

Bulan

Penantian..

tanpa sebarang perjanjian

Pungguk nan sendirian

mencari detik-detik harapan

sinaranmu kan menyinari malam

mengukir mimpi

menghitung hari

mungkin pepohon kan berbunga lagi..

Namun..

musim-musim berlalu

Pungguk masih bersendirian

diselubungi seribu persoalan

ditinggal tanpa jawapan

keletihan..

kesejukan..

tiada kehangatan dari sinaranmu Bulan..

Kesedihan..
dalam kegelapan

tiada dapat diterangi mentari

kehangatan hanya membakar diri

Pungguk harus pergi

meninggalkan kesejukan ini

memungut cebisan hati

membawa diri

kembali hinggap di dahan nan tinggi

kubukan setiap titisan air mata di hati

takkan mendongak lagi..
*
tangisan di bawah sinaran bulan
~ 31st December, 2012
*

..and so the barn owl hide herself in the dark and never be seen again..

Some things passed..were meant to be buried and shall never be surfaced again..For each time, I know I have tried all that I can..and I won't regret. I've done fighting..yet again..it's too exhausting..There's no use keep chasing for something that just won't belong.. It won't do good. So, no matter how beautiful that world seems to be, no matter how strong a relationship should be, I have to put an end to it..or draw a clearer line to it..I have to leave..before it consumes too much of me, I'd be depressed again. I need to breathe..to be able to pick myself up and help others..and because there are so much more to look forward to.
Somehow..whenever I was down, even when I fell so hard I could hardly walk..that my butt hurts like hell..(I mean my heart..), I could and I would always turn around and hold out a helping hand to others who were drowning in their pond of sorrow or whenever someone needed help. They don't know that deep inside, I could be as suffocated and as down as they are..they really don't have to know...seriously..!^^ ..and of course..most people are so not interested to know..lol...!*(>.<) If one day(*touch wood..) I'm drowning, I'm not gonna' pull anyone into the pool and die with me...lol...! You know what I mean..? "Hey..seriously..you may be in deep shit, but no one has to die with you. So, don't you start saying sh*tty things and pull the rest of the world down with you.." *I know someone who does exactly that..maybe he just don't realise what da'heck he was doing..so often saying, "I don't give a f*ck how you feel..! bla..bla..bla.."..all sorts of more hurting words. So, I could just say, "So, yo'! Then, get'da'hell away from me..!"..but I didn't.. Hurting is not my way of communicating..Thank you.
No matter how, over the years, I have learnt to ease myself and help myself in different ways. I would easily step out of my little door of silence..or turn my head away from my sorrow, I could just be a laughing hyena in the cinema..smiling sunshine cracking one of a kinda' jokes with my precious friends..as enthusiastic and positive with my work..walking with my head held high..I could smile cos' I'm a person with courage to step..away..forward..and find the meaning in my life..to be where I meant to be..where I'll be valued..appreciated..and loved.. I will build a beautiful new world..or find a place worth my presence...
So, with this..I'm leaving all sadness of 2012 behind, off I go to the land of Buddha's birth place, Nepal..to touch the waters and feel the wind of calmness..hopefully they will wash and blow away the dusty greys..to kiss the nature and soil of serenity and greet the sunshine of enlightenment..with hope that the stars will add some light to my humble life..And hopefully I'll be back in 2013 for some happiness ahead of me. Happy New Year..new life...^^