Hear Me When I Say..

How will you respond when someone says to you what you love to hear..? Someone said to me just the other day.."There are 3 types of stars..There's a type which are bright..another type which are shining..but all I can see tonight is you.."
Upon hearing his words, I was like.."..what..?" (O.o)..and seeing that I wasn't looking so happy, he asked, "You don't like what I said? Sorry..sometimes I read and sometimes I could be poetic.."
Well, the thing is..he don't really know who is he talking to..and so I said,"..please..don't try to be poetic with me."..I barely gave him a smile as I turned and looked away.
I knew well what he meant, but I can't help but feeling a little disgust..a little sarcastic behind the beauty of his words. It was like an 'all spice'..I swear.. not because I don't take compliments in a way..not that I don't like him with his dark hair, toned and tall figure with his sturdy good looks, and his poetic senses are clearly seen through his dreamy eyes that can easily swept any dreamy girls off their feet, not even because he said something I don't like to hear, but he is someone I hardly know, someone i hardly seen for the 3rd time, someone I hardly talked to..and most of all, he don't know me.
Somehow, I'd still give him a credit..whether he dare to say something he thought I'd love to hear..he made an effort trying to fake it just to make me smile, or he may even have an unknown intention behind his thoughts. But at the end of the day..I'd say..most girls would love to hear nice words from most guys..and most of all, her guy.. Just too bad, I'm not often that kind of girl..and he ain't my guy. He might just be another boy who couldn't help being poetically silly..who's blinded just by a plain dainty silly smile of a random Asian woman..a smile that may have made her look almost a decade younger than her age.
Thinking back..there are similar words written in one of my poems, but it means totally different. I guess..when the exact same words came from a different person, it could mean very differently too.
Lately..despite many words I heard that should have brighten up my days, makes me feel happy and appreciated..I actually felt the silence more than anything. Maybe what I need to hear was from the wrong person..or for the wrong reason. And now, not only that I need some silence time to think and write as what I am doing at this very moment..but on the other hand, I felt the silence that have left my heart cold..as cold as I could almost hear the whisper in the winds that came brushing my hair. There are words unspoken..maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe it's time to think again and realize..that things which are often need to be asked are often not sincerely given..and so, it's just sad to say..that it's meaningless. What more it's telling you when there were silence even when you've asked..? On the other hand..when some words came out hurting..they are meant indirectly that certain door is being closed. And so..silence is needed for the brain to think..for the mind to realize..for the heart to feel..and the hurt to heal...

Silence..

Angin..

kaubawa berita

cerita-cerita dari kumbang

yang terbang merantau nun jauh

.."breaking silence in the heart"..

...

Angin..

kaubawa bayu salju

'tuk pepohon bunga putih

membawa harapan bebunga kan mekar kembali

.."breaking silence in her heart"..

...

Rindu..

membawa kekumbang nan jauh merantau

datang membawa hati girang

datang membawa harapan menjulang

.."breaking silence in his heart"..

...

Kekumbang..

terusik.. terasyik melihat pepohon

namun.. pepohon tiada berbunga

tiada haruman.. tiada cerita.. kecewa

.."silence in his heart"..

...

Pepohon..

.."silence in her heart"..

kekumbang sehinggap dan terbang lagi

jauh merantau..

berita.. cerita..

tiada lagi dari angin nan salju...

-cerita dari bayu nan salju-

27th April, 2009

Some says..that I am a cold person..I guess what they don't know how to explain was..it's in a way that I seldom talk.. but when I talk, I'd often talk deeply. I'm cold in a way that I stare to a distance with plain emptiness in silence as I listened and process every word I heard with it's hidden meanings in between the lines..before I finally open my mouth and give a response or answer. I'm cold in a way that I hardly make an expression and react or respond so spontaneously as most other people does..but when I speak, I'd make a direct and strong point and mean deep. Sometimes I choose to talk only when I need to..and I often said what I mean and mean what I said..unless sarcasm breathes too thick in the air..it chokes some sarcasm out of my chest too. Know what I mean..? But to those..most of the time, I wouldn't often choose to even entertain.
I may be cold in a way that even when there were numerous nice things someone have done for me in a day, I'd only say "thank you" once at the end of the day, sometimes not at all till the end of the week..and they know well that words that comes out from my mouth are as solid and as truthful..they could mean or worth many times as deep as what's been said or heard..and most of all, my actions always speak louder than my words..when the meaning in my words are already loud enough without really raising my voice.
So, hear me when I say, "I love you..", "I miss you..", "I do appreciate your presence in my life.." Hear me when I say, "Thank you..", "Thank you for being my friend..".."Take good care of yourself as I'm not able to be there to take care of you.." Hear me when I say, "Watch what you're saying.." or "Stop it what you're doing.." despite the weight of my patience is way beyond measure.
Same as the questions that comes out from my mouth..are meant to look for what I really need to hear..Or else, I wouldn't care to even ask in the first place..because as many of those who are close to me may have known by now that I'm a person who don't often request, ask or want anything particularly from others. So, those who really listen with their heart..could only know what I mean and what I need even though my words are so often direct.. Only those who cares would open up their heart and hear me when I say..till I ask or say no more..cos' at the end of the day, the best comfort I'd find is still in my solitary silence..as I hear you when you say...

Stardust In My Eyes..

Something happened to me lately..and I have been feeling torn..so sad and disappointed. And so..yet again..I step out of the scene..step out of the frame and recall some of the most amazing things that have ever happened..some amazing things people have said..that have changed my life instead..
Someone said to me just earlier..or I should say that he asked me a question..
"I must say that you are one of the few persons I know with who it is easy and natural to talk about almost everything. How do you do it, Ellie? What makes you have such a great experience of life?"
I was stunned..not because of what he actually said..but because he's not the only one who said the exact same thing to me over the years...and yet..I don't know what to say...The truth is..it doesn't often happen that way..sometimes I could annoy people too..though it may not be intentional..but I got some complains just recently. It's true. I thought for almost half an hour before I could type him a reply for that Facebook message...
I said.."I don't know..dear...I think maybe I have more sense of humility and sensitivity than most people..I'm a very observant person with deep deep thoughts. I can feel a little bit more and aware of what's coming..that may explain a little bit..why I'm quite careful with my manners of language, words and expressions..and for most people, they may feel that I'm understanding and comfortable to talk to..about anything at all..without feeling small or offended. How and what other people feeling are important to me..especially if it comes from me..
For me..the art of communications have no boundaries as long as we don't hurt others' feelings..or putting grey clouds on their sky.
I want to be able to spread an energy stronger than the sun though I may not shine..though I may not have the kind of bright smile on my face..though I may not say the most brilliant or soothing words..but my heart and thoughts will be deeply felt by others..and that alone will hopefully bring smiles into their face, warm their hearts and brighten up their days..most of all..it have to be deeply sincere..."
Reading back what I have wrote and replied to him..as any normal being out there..I could imagine most people may think how ridiculous I sound of myself.. Yes..I'm just a woman..not any wiser than most..some part of me is still childish..and I may not be any mature than my age seems to be..but that doesn't stop me from thinking wide..seeing far..and loving deep...
In less than 20 mins, he replied..
"Wow! What an explanation! Amazing! I can´t understand how you can analyze yourself in such a way. I think the biggest secret is that you have so deep thoughts. As far as I have seen most people can only talk about superficial issues and don´t really want to get into deeper thoughts. That makes me think if they have deeper thoughts or not... For me living without deeper thoughts would be like living in a soap bubble or in some sort of micro world.
Oh I envy your boyfriend :) How can someone be so lucky to find such a deep sensible woman.."
Errmm...Now..I can't help it but feeling some kind of sarcasm from his message(sorry)..cos' I know how some people could sound..just to flatter you, make you feel better or even entertain you to an extend..but I know that he is a matured and responsible adult who is honest and honorable with his words..not a person who flirt and joke like a high school kid with a 50cents brain..
Upon hearing his words..I couldn't help but gave a deep sigh..and again..I thought to myself..'I don't want to be amazing..I just want to be loved..' And so, out of such spontaneity from what I feel at that moment..I replied frankly..
"He doesn't seem to think so..it's sad..
I met a new friend just yesterday..he said to me.."You are special and very different..You need someone as understanding as to appreciate how special and different you are" ..I know I'm supposed to be happy upon hearing that..but in fact, I was feeling sad after giving him a smile..because it means how hard for me to find that 'someone'..and I think I haven't found him yet..
Anyway, thanks for your compliments.. I do wish you all the best..and be happy always, ok..^^"
Well..it's true..that is how I feel of myself sometimes. Everywhere..I experience it so often..people look at me with those hopeful eyes, looking for a glance I could return with a smile on my face..and they would smile back at me with such a wide smile..with signs of relief in their eyes..so weird..! Maybe I do have such weird kind of smile..that is so humble..that could make others feel so comfortable and sends them some sense of confidence and self esteem..telling them that they are valued and appreciated.. Someone actually told me this some time ago..and I couldn't remember who..
But that reminds me of something else too..Look at those endangered species almost kept away from touch..so exotic..one of a kind..such a rare find..but in fact, it's so sensitive..people could only admire from afar..wish to hold and have but eventually can't seem to be able to..because it needs special care, attention and appreciation.. And again..it all seems to sound so ridiculous when applied to a human being. It's so weird..! But that may be able to explain a little bit..why most guys are scared to come closer..as if there's a sign saying.."Warning! Endangered species. Do not come close."(..giggle..)..or some guys might have step too close not knowing what they've got themselves into..while there are some weird ones who'd stare and stare with amusement..aaaaall they want..but yet, scared to come closer(..sigh..).. So..I find it quite rare for me to find someone understanding and able to connect and communicate well with me too..and I'm glad I do have some really nice friends..and our friendships are also one of a kind..!^^
Well, I do wish to be more normal..but yet, without deeper thoughts and understanding..I can't see through many issues and things happened in my life..I may not have cope..may not be able to handle my feelings and emotions up till this very moment..because..I never had those 'normal' life..not that I could really choose..Yet..I'm still thankful that I'm made to be different..
Thanks Pauline for reminding me.."I guess..god created you that way..that beauty from outside and inner self, who is a very special you.."..she does remind me that I do have the power to choose..Choices made could be made again..
Thanks Alex, Soo and many more for saying.."You are one of the best thing that ever happened to my life.." Thanks to friends who actually said.."God gave you hell lot of patience that made you how wonderful a person you are.."..They have made me believe in myself more than anything...
Thanks Khee for saying.."Your thinking is so advance..I couldn't keep up"..and by breaking my heart, he set me free to explore myself and become as wonderful as I am now..as he watched and guarded me so closely with his heavy heart..
Thanks Pa for saying.."You are too brilliant..you should be a lawyer.."..during that argument that have changed my life forever..which reminds me that I am a person with strength..wise enough and talk with a sound mind..I was then only 16..
Thanks Jie..for saying so many hurtful things that have made me felt pierced so deeply..that in fact made me realise..life is to live with consequences in all you say and do.
I won't see my life as a 'series of unfortunate events'..but a journey so full of challenge that have brought me to where I am and how I am today..though sometimes I may have tears in the corner of my eyes that just wouldn't fall down..just enough to give a heavy sigh out of this heart..and life goes on..as always...

Stardust In My Eyes

Stardust in my eyes
shining..shimmering..fall down from the sky
I couldn't touch..I couldn't hold
I couldn't see what secrets behold..
*
Stardust in my eyes
for that five seconds of my life
I forgot to wish..for that love could be mine
as I see it touch the ground and lost it's shine..
*
Stardust in my eyes
I was mesmerized
for that five seconds of my life
I didn't realise..
chances passed me by..

~tears in my eyes~
20th July, 2011

This is a story of of a girl..who realise many things in life..make changes..create opportunities..grab chances..makes a huge difference..and dare to be different. This is a story of life cherished..appreciated..and loved...
*

As for that Facebook message..I thought I have made a closure..but I guess he couldn't help but reply.."Yes, it is really sad. He should respect you and your sensitive soul and try to understand you, but for some people it is just impossible... I think maybe he will lose you and can only later understand what he has lost. People can´t value things that they get too easily.
I believe that the things or people that are the most difficult to find for us will finally bring us the biggest joy and happiness. People who only base their relationships on superficial issues like how somebody looks like or how much he/she earns money etc are not so happy in their lives. I think the most important thing for a relationship is to find someone who can understand you/me really well and vice versa..Of course there must be enough pleasure and such things but those things are just "the spices in a soup". The spices only can´t make the soup delicious, but those are the magical ingredients that will make it perfect.
I am sure that there is someone special for you. I believe that there is someone special for me too.."
Deep inside my heart..I do agree with some of the things he said..almost aligned with what I've said in 'Sweeter Than Chocolate.."..that.."Yes..a relationship that went through a lot of ups and downs..bitterness..hardship..and that you have to put up with lots of patience..at the end..is a relationship that is genuine, long lasting and truly happy."..and in this case..it is always things that are hard to get..that made people realise how precious and important it is and really be cherished and appreciated.
"Well said..You are a nice person..and I wish that you will find that special someone who could add spices in your 'soup' and be happy.
Take care..^^ "..and with these words, I finally made a closure to another deep conversation..well, what else to say..but thank you, my dear friend..A friend who'd talk from the heart is a friend I'd always cherish..

Love Made An Effort..!

I often come across those faces of doubts..thoughts..insecurity..faces with questions in their mind. Not that I can read them, just that it doesn't have to take much effort to see it..observe and realise. 'Effort'.. yes..effort. The word alone sends so much doubt to the mind..reminds me of so much things...
I was talking to Carla one evening. She was so happy of her new relationship..but come one day, soon after..she mentioned how frustrated she was..that her boyfriend doesn't make much effort to communicate much. Reason is..too busy with work..and he can only make an effort to see her once a month. I was like.."Ow..okay..but how about sms, phone calls or maybe skype chat..?"..and she said.."Errmm..maybe once or twice a week.. Most of the time he's not available to talk..and I can't call him because he'll be at work..day and nite too.." "How about you guys make appointment..?"..I asked..but then I can't believe what I heard..she actually said.."He said he can't..he's too busy..his schedule is too full. He will call me when he can." Back then, I was thinking.."Geez...that's 'no' effort." That's more like.."Don't call me..I'll call you..(when I'm lonely/when I need you).." O.o
Francesca told me a totally different story. Her boyfriend doesn't seem to make an effort to meet up for a dinner together and choose to go for a futsal match with his friends instead..till he heard that she's going out with her friend..then only he said,"Who are you going out with?? Oh..I've decided not going to the futsal outing. Can we have dinner together..just the two of us..?" Oh, come'on...that ain't right.. Where is the effort in the first place..where is the heart..?
If he is a shy guy like Johnny, I can understand.. Although he didn't dare to ask me out directly for a movie, afraid that he'd be interrupting my busy schedule..he'd still text me once in a while saying that he miss me..and ask me how I am..just like Teddy or Eric and maybe Simpson too..once in a while..even when they're only friends. Someone like Monir makes better effort..said,"Hi..! How are you doing, my sweet friend? Haven't seen you for quite a long time now. Let's come out for a dinner..or maybe I can cook a simple dinner..and we just watch a DVD at my place this Sunday? What do you say..?" Now that's effort..^^
Or take my PDA Little Boyfriend for example.. He got me a surprise..tickets to watch the Opera just because I like it. Who cares if I'm not sitting on a 180 dolar seat for that perfect view..his heart is in the right place..(..no..left side..err...nvm.. :P) Well..it's the heart that matters. Who cares if it's a 2 dollar 70's style open car park opera under the rain.. It's important to open your heart..see..and realise the effort..be contented and appreciate it.
I may know someone who could really complain..something like.."If he really make an effort, why don't he try to book earlier and get better seats..?"
For this kind of people..I might say.."Owh..! Shut da' f**k up..!"..(..if I can la... :P)
In a totally different view..some people could be making too much effort..like Michael for example. 3 seasons..3 long years of complete aggressive persuasion..and he still couldn't get enough of "NO" for an answer. What...what da' heck was he thinking..? "No"as in.."No..You can break me harder than that..I won't take this as an answer.."..hmm..?? OMG...and I was feeling like knock..knock..knockin' my head on the table..crying.."Owwhhh..pls..somebody..kill me...kill me...!"
"Please...let go..! You're totally not my cup of tea..not even chocolate..not coffee..NO..!! Which part of that you don't understand? The 'N'..or the 'O'...??!
I like dark chocolate..not milk chocolate..! English..! Not typical China apek thinking..! Positive..! Not scary negative thinking..! Open minded..! Not conservative freak..! Even your Capricorn starscope reading already said.."Stay away from Geminians.."..so, por favor..! Leave me alone..!"
So sorry..I have to make such an extra effort and gave him a complete 'tsunami'..now he's finally been wiped off my life.. Jesus Christ..don't make me have to go through this again..halelujah..-.-
Well, at times I do feel like I'm trying too hard too..saying too much..and I begin to feel the waves of disaster is going to slam over..then I feel like..No..it's time to stop..shut up. I may be so full of my enthusiasm and advise just because I love and care so much..but it could be inappropriate..in another hand, could also be taken in a wrong way..could be annoying..could even be suffocating. I think it is very important to look at the situations and read all the signs..step back..hold it as needed..not to let situations gets worse. Enough said..don't allow any more damage..stop it. 'Pull your hand brake..or you'll crash.' It's an art..you just need to learn..and observe..and keep on learning..

"If you turn on the tap to the maximum flow and don't know how to turn it off when it's enough..you could drown yourself in your own house..!"

Most of all, effort is made with a heart..given with a heart..and can only be seen and appreciated with a heart.

"Heart is seen through passion,
passion is seen through enthusiasm,
enthusiasm is seen through effort,
effort is seen through action,
and it all starts from the heart..
or nothing would really work.
Where is thy heart..?"

~Ellie Ng ~
21st June, 2010

Yo..people out there..don't just sit on your butt doing nothing but complaining that no one say "hi" and go out with you..don't complain that.."All the girls/guys I know are not my type.." Go out there and meet more people!..but don't be so desperate to settle with the first, seems-to-be nice girl/guy you saw and end up developing a wrong kind of relationship for the wrong kind of purpose you want in life.. And as for those boyfriends and girlfriends who are sitting there so comfortably, thinking that you are secured..you have it all..and there's no need to make better effort to keep holding on..Well..you may need to be prepared to be called a 'loser' when a better 'choice' comes along and all you'd get is a goodbye kiss. Maybe not even a kiss.. You know how advance the world is now.. a short simple sms could do the job!
No fuss..no drama..save your effort.
'''(*.~)'''