Stardust In My Eyes..

Something happened to me lately..and I have been feeling torn..so sad and disappointed. And so..yet again..I step out of the scene..step out of the frame and recall some of the most amazing things that have ever happened..some amazing things people have said..that have changed my life instead..
Someone said to me just earlier..or I should say that he asked me a question..
"I must say that you are one of the few persons I know with who it is easy and natural to talk about almost everything. How do you do it, Ellie? What makes you have such a great experience of life?"
I was stunned..not because of what he actually said..but because he's not the only one who said the exact same thing to me over the years...and yet..I don't know what to say...The truth is..it doesn't often happen that way..sometimes I could annoy people too..though it may not be intentional..but I got some complains just recently. It's true. I thought for almost half an hour before I could type him a reply for that Facebook message...
I said.."I don't know..dear...I think maybe I have more sense of humility and sensitivity than most people..I'm a very observant person with deep deep thoughts. I can feel a little bit more and aware of what's coming..that may explain a little bit..why I'm quite careful with my manners of language, words and expressions..and for most people, they may feel that I'm understanding and comfortable to talk to..about anything at all..without feeling small or offended. How and what other people feeling are important to me..especially if it comes from me..
For me..the art of communications have no boundaries as long as we don't hurt others' feelings..or putting grey clouds on their sky.
I want to be able to spread an energy stronger than the sun though I may not shine..though I may not have the kind of bright smile on my face..though I may not say the most brilliant or soothing words..but my heart and thoughts will be deeply felt by others..and that alone will hopefully bring smiles into their face, warm their hearts and brighten up their days..most of all..it have to be deeply sincere..."
Reading back what I have wrote and replied to him..as any normal being out there..I could imagine most people may think how ridiculous I sound of myself.. Yes..I'm just a woman..not any wiser than most..some part of me is still childish..and I may not be any mature than my age seems to be..but that doesn't stop me from thinking wide..seeing far..and loving deep...
In less than 20 mins, he replied..
"Wow! What an explanation! Amazing! I can´t understand how you can analyze yourself in such a way. I think the biggest secret is that you have so deep thoughts. As far as I have seen most people can only talk about superficial issues and don´t really want to get into deeper thoughts. That makes me think if they have deeper thoughts or not... For me living without deeper thoughts would be like living in a soap bubble or in some sort of micro world.
Oh I envy your boyfriend :) How can someone be so lucky to find such a deep sensible woman.."
Errmm...Now..I can't help it but feeling some kind of sarcasm from his message(sorry)..cos' I know how some people could sound..just to flatter you, make you feel better or even entertain you to an extend..but I know that he is a matured and responsible adult who is honest and honorable with his words..not a person who flirt and joke like a high school kid with a 50cents brain..
Upon hearing his words..I couldn't help but gave a deep sigh..and again..I thought to myself..'I don't want to be amazing..I just want to be loved..' And so, out of such spontaneity from what I feel at that moment..I replied frankly..
"He doesn't seem to think so..it's sad..
I met a new friend just yesterday..he said to me.."You are special and very different..You need someone as understanding as to appreciate how special and different you are" ..I know I'm supposed to be happy upon hearing that..but in fact, I was feeling sad after giving him a smile..because it means how hard for me to find that 'someone'..and I think I haven't found him yet..
Anyway, thanks for your compliments.. I do wish you all the best..and be happy always, ok..^^"
Well..it's true..that is how I feel of myself sometimes. Everywhere..I experience it so often..people look at me with those hopeful eyes, looking for a glance I could return with a smile on my face..and they would smile back at me with such a wide smile..with signs of relief in their eyes..so weird..! Maybe I do have such weird kind of smile..that is so humble..that could make others feel so comfortable and sends them some sense of confidence and self esteem..telling them that they are valued and appreciated.. Someone actually told me this some time ago..and I couldn't remember who..
But that reminds me of something else too..Look at those endangered species almost kept away from touch..so exotic..one of a kind..such a rare find..but in fact, it's so sensitive..people could only admire from afar..wish to hold and have but eventually can't seem to be able to..because it needs special care, attention and appreciation.. And again..it all seems to sound so ridiculous when applied to a human being. It's so weird..! But that may be able to explain a little bit..why most guys are scared to come closer..as if there's a sign saying.."Warning! Endangered species. Do not come close."(..giggle..)..or some guys might have step too close not knowing what they've got themselves into..while there are some weird ones who'd stare and stare with amusement..aaaaall they want..but yet, scared to come closer(..sigh..).. So..I find it quite rare for me to find someone understanding and able to connect and communicate well with me too..and I'm glad I do have some really nice friends..and our friendships are also one of a kind..!^^
Well, I do wish to be more normal..but yet, without deeper thoughts and understanding..I can't see through many issues and things happened in my life..I may not have cope..may not be able to handle my feelings and emotions up till this very moment..because..I never had those 'normal' life..not that I could really choose..Yet..I'm still thankful that I'm made to be different..
Thanks Pauline for reminding me.."I guess..god created you that way..that beauty from outside and inner self, who is a very special you.."..she does remind me that I do have the power to choose..Choices made could be made again..
Thanks Alex, Soo and many more for saying.."You are one of the best thing that ever happened to my life.." Thanks to friends who actually said.."God gave you hell lot of patience that made you how wonderful a person you are.."..They have made me believe in myself more than anything...
Thanks Khee for saying.."Your thinking is so advance..I couldn't keep up"..and by breaking my heart, he set me free to explore myself and become as wonderful as I am now..as he watched and guarded me so closely with his heavy heart..
Thanks Pa for saying.."You are too brilliant..you should be a lawyer.."..during that argument that have changed my life forever..which reminds me that I am a person with strength..wise enough and talk with a sound mind..I was then only 16..
Thanks Jie..for saying so many hurtful things that have made me felt pierced so deeply..that in fact made me realise..life is to live with consequences in all you say and do.
I won't see my life as a 'series of unfortunate events'..but a journey so full of challenge that have brought me to where I am and how I am today..though sometimes I may have tears in the corner of my eyes that just wouldn't fall down..just enough to give a heavy sigh out of this heart..and life goes on..as always...

Stardust In My Eyes

Stardust in my eyes
shining..shimmering..fall down from the sky
I couldn't touch..I couldn't hold
I couldn't see what secrets behold..
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Stardust in my eyes
for that five seconds of my life
I forgot to wish..for that love could be mine
as I see it touch the ground and lost it's shine..
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Stardust in my eyes
I was mesmerized
for that five seconds of my life
I didn't realise..
chances passed me by..

~tears in my eyes~
20th July, 2011

This is a story of of a girl..who realise many things in life..make changes..create opportunities..grab chances..makes a huge difference..and dare to be different. This is a story of life cherished..appreciated..and loved...
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As for that Facebook message..I thought I have made a closure..but I guess he couldn't help but reply.."Yes, it is really sad. He should respect you and your sensitive soul and try to understand you, but for some people it is just impossible... I think maybe he will lose you and can only later understand what he has lost. People can´t value things that they get too easily.
I believe that the things or people that are the most difficult to find for us will finally bring us the biggest joy and happiness. People who only base their relationships on superficial issues like how somebody looks like or how much he/she earns money etc are not so happy in their lives. I think the most important thing for a relationship is to find someone who can understand you/me really well and vice versa..Of course there must be enough pleasure and such things but those things are just "the spices in a soup". The spices only can´t make the soup delicious, but those are the magical ingredients that will make it perfect.
I am sure that there is someone special for you. I believe that there is someone special for me too.."
Deep inside my heart..I do agree with some of the things he said..almost aligned with what I've said in 'Sweeter Than Chocolate.."..that.."Yes..a relationship that went through a lot of ups and downs..bitterness..hardship..and that you have to put up with lots of patience..at the end..is a relationship that is genuine, long lasting and truly happy."..and in this case..it is always things that are hard to get..that made people realise how precious and important it is and really be cherished and appreciated.
"Well said..You are a nice person..and I wish that you will find that special someone who could add spices in your 'soup' and be happy.
Take care..^^ "..and with these words, I finally made a closure to another deep conversation..well, what else to say..but thank you, my dear friend..A friend who'd talk from the heart is a friend I'd always cherish..