Faith..Faithfully..

Dear Diary,

I cried last nite..
Not just because love went silent on me and left without saying good nite..not because of any argument..misunderstanding..or anything.. I guess this kind of silent is nothing new..when it seems like I wasn't given a space to express myself..or seems..not allowed __.
My paper is still blank after hours in many days staring in it..It's been such a long time..I have so much in mind..in fact too much.. I don't know where to start..yet again..
Last nite..someone started a deep conversation with me in facebook and I feel like writing it down somewhere.. Somewhere..anywhere..so that one day, when all is lost..to this world, somehow this Stardustdiary does exist..somewhere in this space..a space where I'd best express myself..gives myself strength..faith and hope to live as long as I still breathe..even though it's suffocating..
I found strength and faith in the words from a friend..a close friend in a way..yet so distant in some ways..
He said...

*

Sam: Miss Ng, long time no see, had good holidays, iron out your life and see more light in your future?
El: Everything's okay..nothing special..future is still unpredictable..
How's things with you?
Sam: I am alright, none the better, none the worse, at this old age my future's more predictable, sticking to my hobby till I die.
El: But at least even if you struggle, you know it won't last long.. but for me.."..till don't know when.." is such a pain in the *ss..
Sam: Don't know what to say. You know something, I have always thought you lived in a room in the studio, but when you cleaned up the place, then I saw only a store room, then it suddenly occurred to me where the f#@% you sleep? Meant to ask you, then you went for holidays.
2012 shall lead you to the path of enlightenment, no worries.
El: I sleep on the brown couch every day n nite.. I have pillows and foldable mattress enough to host for a guest or 2 sometimes..in the completely open concept studio..no divider..no room..how about that..?
Sam: And I always thought you had a room, stupid me. How the hell can you sleep on that uncomfortable couch and have good sleep?
El: I'm not particular..not choosy..and most of the time, I worn myself so tired..I just doze off..I guess..
Sam: El, call me busybody, or whatever, as a friend whenever I am in your place, you say I do not smile often. How can I when I can sense you are not happy, you are always trying to make others happy, I can tell from your face that you are troubled but don't know what. It is not the case of being particular, sleep is so bloody important and that explains your eyebags. Whatever you do, you cannot deprive yourself of good sleep. Wearing out yourself to sleep is not the answer. What are you sacrificing your life for, is it worth it? You only live once.
El: I have been so depressed and down so badly for the past months or even a year.. till dunno when..I just can't control that sadness hits me too often.. I'm trying my best to drown it with my work..or I'll just be sad and depressed.. Hope you can understand.. not many people know.. My job is the only happiness that seems to give a pretty surface what other people see and envy..thinking that I'm successful and doing a great job I enjoy..but not many people know what's beneath it..behind it..and what it means to me..
I don't seem to have a life..no one around to hold a hand when i really do fall..I don't even have a home to go back to. My studio and my work is my only life..that eventually i need to end it and build a new one somewhere else..or maybe doing something else..
I'm like a bird, trying to build a nest..with no tree around..
Sam..the couch I sleep on..eventually is the only warmth and comfort I feel every day. Thanks for your concern. I'm happy with it. The eyebags will be gone when I'm less depressed and sleep better..
I'm going to sleep..I think I'm catching flu again..cos i suddenly sneezed so much..good nite ya..^^
Sam: I do not mean to intrude into your private life, somehow I can sense you are not as what you portray yourself to be. For God's sake talk to me, can you treat me like a brother, I am always here, anytime you need help, I can see the tears in your eyes now. There are times when I email you that you deserve a better life because I can feel it, not what you have said to me, but how you try to appear to be happy.

...and so I cried...

El: Yes..that's the only thing I have..is myself.. If i don't try to make myself happy? Who will...
Sam: Bloody hell.. I feel so sad for you, just tell me how I can help.
El: No matter what or how a person is, everyone deserves to be happy..yes.. But some just won't get that happiness..It's a fate I have to live with. I'll just be happy seeing other people happy instead..
Smile for me, Sam..and I'll be happy..
I'm happy just to know that there are people who care and feel for me..I'm thankful for that..
Sam: I am lost for words, for God's sake get some good sleep, good nite.
I promise you 2012 is gonna change things around for you. Hold on!
El: Thank you for giving me faith..I wish you the best too..always... Good nite Sam..Hugss..

*

I cried...
At some point, I wanted to say..

"I don't believe in God, Sam..From my point of view, honestly..you are more real than any God..because whenever I call, you answered..God never did..Whenever I need someone, I know you're right there..He won't be.. Thanks for being there, Sam..Your presence is real..your heart is felt..your faith kept me strong.. Thank you.."

..but i didn't say it..the tears have blurred my eyes..I couldn't type anymore.

It's amazing how a friend would ask..question..say things..and care.. Some friends out there..so thoughtful, caring and warm to the heart..They'd sent me sms..e.mails and they're all over my facebook wall, swarming messages into my inbox..even treat it like their memo..But somehow, I'm feeling like..I'm screaming love in the cave right here..scream my lungs out..but there's no echo..
How come..?
It's just happened too often..and I keep hoping..trying..harder and harder.. At some point, it makes me feel so tired..I don't want to have to do anything anymore to beg for a little attention..beg for a little bit of love..warmth and care from someone who's supposed to share these feelings with me..just little things like these..not money..not a house..not a car..not that nice dress, jewels, bag or shoes that blings from that window..not even to be right here to wrap me in his arms..hold me tight and give me warmth and protect me..but just a feeling..Feeling that I'm not alone..the feeling like there's an energy that helps me get by..gives me strength and faith..even though there ain't any promise as it's supposed to be..no future..not even a picture..no words..no ground.. It's like I'm sailing without a compass..with nothing around me but a thin line of horizon.. It's whether I'd hold my head up and follow the sun..or when the huge wave slams over, I'll drown without knowing how deep is the depth of the ocean beneath..

Well..as far as i could only dream..how I wish that eventually one fine day, someone would give me strength and faith to hold on to love..and say to me like Alex did..

"Don't worry, Kate, we'll be together in time..even if we're far apart..I'll find a way to be close to you..and take care of you.." ~ The Lake House

The wind stood still..my boat is spinning..I guess it's just about time..I have to accept..that love's just ain't there..absent..out of reach...
Keep paddling..keep sailing..I want to go home..but where is land..?..where is home..?..which direction?..tell me.. But there's nothing..just thin air..and I'm still breathing...

I miss you, my Diary..
Faith...