Have you been in the situation where the relationship is so close and yet you feel that certain things have drag you too far away? Too far apart that you don't even know how to pull things back together..
My heart feels so sore lately... though things like these have been going on since god knows when.. but the hardest part is when you feel like it would go on forever.
I have a wonderful sister, the only person that I really adore and look up to. She is such a gorgeous..a genius who could just excel in whatever she lays her hands on.. be it her profession, performing arts, cooking.. whatever! And she have a good sense of style in fashion too! The only thing that have kept me worrying is about her attitude and temper. It is amazing how she could take things in a negative way.. and that often lead to an explosive temper.
Did I just say 'explosive'? Yes...I just did... and that is undeniably true.
My beloved sister is a dynamite on 2 legs. One slightest move.. and boom!! Disaster!... The funny thing is.. she never behave this way with the rest of the world.. and I do understand why...She only behaves like this with her closest family members.. those whom she trusts to understand her enough.. and so it happens that I'm the luckiest person in the world, the closest one that she loves the most (err.. I guess..), the only one she could turn to.. but just in an extraordinary way.
She is a person with her pride hidden away.. under her pillow where she lay and think so hard to herself every day. She never like to tell what happens in her life..her emotions..what she's been through.. but only to express her unhappiness in another way.. a way that no one could ever imagine.
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"My dear sis..there is no need to question.. how much we love each other. But I have accepted the fact that we are yet two very different beings...different in opinions, attitude, characteristics..and almost everything. Why haven't you?I am sorry that my piece of advise comes too direct at times. All my words for you have never meant to be mean, though it could hurt when I was just being honest. I do mean what I've honestly told you.. for a good purpose. But how often do you hear it from me anyway?
I am so sorry that in all these years, I have failed as a sister, fail to make you understand, fail to satisfy you, fail to make you feel happy, fail to make you feel proud to be my sister, fail to even make you feel that I do love you.. I have failed tremendously. And therefore, I'm feeling so sore in my heart, and I am sad.
Sis.. I don't mind being your 'punch bag'.. if that seems to be the only way you could let it all out of your chest.. the only way you could express. I can feel that it is hard for you too.. How you've been carrying such heavy loads of responsibilities on your shoulders, that is not much broader than mine..How you've been struggling all by yourself..half way around the globe from home. My worry is that... if one fine day..suddenly..I just happen to have to be away..far away for a long, long time...then, who could you turn to? Who could be there for you? The way you want.. the way you used to.. the way it have always been.. all these years..
No matter how harsh were the words you've thrown onto me...I'd swallow. No matter how ugly the names you've called me...I'd swallow. No matter how you've flared your attitude and temper...I'd swallow. No matter how endless..how it could make me feel so suffocated...I could still swallow. But please... when you ask me to stay away from you by all means...have you been thinking? When you ask me to stop signing out my messages with "I love you, Lt. Sis"...have you been thinking? At those times when you say, "I don't know how you could be my sister"...have you been thinking.. really, seriously thinking?
Let me tell you how I feel... It does sounds like..you don't want me in your life. It sounds more hurtful than any other ugly names in the world. And at times, the patience is hard to bear.
Dearest Sis.. for once.. and for an instance.. let me answer your doubt.
Because of 'fate'.. we are sisters. Because of 'fate'.. we are born to be so different from each other. Because of 'fate'.. I was born to have you by my side from the moment I open my blurry little eyes to see the world.. till the very moment of my last breath. Because of 'fate'.. we were meant to walk this life together.. be it sweet, sour, bitter..or whatsoever. For me.. you are the chosen one.. to be the only one.. who could be the only you... Because of who you are and how you have been..I am what I am today. You have done your part.. just as you are.. that have shaped me of what I am today.. And I am thankful to have you as my sister.. the one and only sister of flesh and blood.. and there is no one else in the world that I would choose to replace you. I would and I could always tell you loud and bold..."I love you, and I am your little sis. I don't mind walking another lifetime with you...over and over again. I just hate to have the 'war of words' with you in those many splendid ways."
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And as for each and everyone of you out there, do be careful.. very, very careful.. that there are certain things that you shouldn't say, wish or even think in the corner of your mind. You never know what you've got till you lost it. And wishes do come true..you know.. Do not say, do, or even think of anything that will bring you to a state where you will truly regret. Believe me.. I have been there...Be it any relationship, friendship or even merely acquaintance.. I believe.. they are the fated ones. Some will benefits you..bring you joy.. and more, while others would just drive you insane.. really put your patience to the test. They all happen ia a twist of fate... whether they are to walk with you through your life..side by side, or some behave like devils.. only to drive you up the wall, while some others will be just glancing or watching you from afar.. like a little angel.. only to give you a little dim light.. a little enlightment for your soul. But without their contribution..huge or little.. you wouldn't have become what you are. It is all up to you.. how you'd choose to look at it..take it..or leave it.
Well, I would choose to embrace it with my open heart.. and let love conquer it all. As I have said, love could also be like clouds.. that in a certain way, it will, unexpectedly, covers your sun and makes you give a sigh. With my hands on my chest.. and a smile on my face.. I'd take a deep breath.. and I keep telling myself.. love comes in a many splendid ways... and it's fate... As for the rest.. it's up to me to work it all out with my own bare hands...
Fate
No friendship without fate
that's what friends shall say
no love without fate
that's what lovers tell
cos' no one knows, nor words can say
not you or me but a word called..
..fate.
-written and dedicated to a friend in 1995-
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